Friday, December 7, 2007

On Inspiration

When I was younger, I used to write almost everyday. I used to sit or lie in my bed and listen to music for the whole day- Allanis, Cranberries, RHCP, Sheryl Crow, Incubus and an tapes (yes tapes) and later CDs of stuff I had recorded from Rick Dees. I was full of such passion and freedom- the words used to flow from my pen. It was so easy then.

Now it comes so infrequently, it's a part of myself I miss, I seemed to have become disconnected from that place- perhaps I've lost a certain innocence?

But when that inspiration comes, the world is the most brilliant place, I am one with my Creator and with all of creation. I feel this energy course through me- like the world moves and breathes within me and through me. I feel alive, light and free. I can't force it though, she comes when she's ready, somewhat unexpectantly and leaves me with such a feeling of euphoria and peace. I feel complete when she is with me, I am not so and so's daughter, niece, sister, wife... I am me, the best most beautiful most fantastic me I could ever be- just me.

Poem of Mine II

Beloved winds that caress the outer and inner most parts of my being
Will you gather my soul by the seaside,
Will you gather my soul by the shore's tide
Where I may become undone
Woven beyond the shifting sands,
your clear blue waters
and the golden fingers of the sun?

Poem of Mine I

A river runs in me
It runs through me
From my navel stringto the mother earth.

I feel her steady breath move me
embrace me and consume me
I am hers
and I will never be alone again.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

New Beginings

The idea to write a blog came after reading Gloria Steinem's book, "A Revolution From Within". I'm the kind of person that believes in divine guidance and since I graduated from University with a BA in Psychology, I have kind of been on this pathway to discover who I am- what am I passionate about, how can I pursue a career that is in tune with my life goals and dreams? I graduated 2 years ago and while I have gained some clarity on what excites me, I was looking for confirmation on who i want to be.

Anyway, my husband and I had just left the supermarket and we were on our way to the food court to pick up some rhoti when we passed an aunt of mine sitting at a table selling books for the YWCA. I love to read, so we decided to take a look and see whether there were any treasures hidden from the unsuspecting eye. I had picked up one or two semi- interesting books that I was about to buy for charity when I whispered to myself- come on give me something good to read. That's when the spine of this academic looking book caught my eye - Revolution From Within- sure I was looking for knowledge, for some clarity, for something to wake me out of this slumber so i grabbed it without really looking at the contents and we went on our way.

Through this book, Gloria Steinem re-awakened within in me a passion to understand myself as a woman in this complex world. She encourages me to rebuild from a place of brokenness and to learn to love myself as a complete, worthy individual. Here I see the importance of self-esteem, something that I have struggled with and continue to struggle with as a black Caribbean woman.
I turn the pages of the magazine, watch television and blockbuster movies, read books- I am a minority in this world. My black fingers navigate through a white is right world. I look for clothes to fit my curvy hips and thick thighs, my small waist, my short torso- everything needs to be adjusted. I look for ideas to style my natural hair and I see all of these Black Hair magazines with black Americans and their chemically processed hair. I feel sometimes that I do no fit anywhere, I look in the mirror and wonder if I am beautiful too and I know that there are others that feel the same.

I used to fill out this online quiz that used to ask random questions about a persons likes and dislikes, their hopes and fears and once you were done you would send it to your friends so that they could get a deeper glimpse of who you are. One of the questions asked,

"If you could have a superpower what would it be?"

Throughout the years my answer never changed, I wanted to be a healer that had the power to heal someone emotionally and physically. Perhaps it is why I studied psychology, I'm still trying to understand myself, I'm still trying to heal myself from my own emotional scars.

Gloria Steinem words it beautifully, she says, "we teach what we need to learn and write what we need to know". Somewhere along the way I started to run on autopilot, it's then I stopped writing, I lost that connection to my innermost self, I left me behind and everything became fuzzy from there. I lost my voice.

This blog is a journey into the interior, a journey within. With my voice I hope to break down the framework of lies that traps me into believing that I am less than, that I have no say, that I am powerless, that I have no choice. With my voice I hope to delve into deep dark places and let go of the hurt, let go of the pain and forgive. With this voice I plan to learn to love me unconditionally so that I can learn to live my life freely, passionately and deeply. I hope you enjoy the ride.