Wednesday, December 5, 2007

New Beginings

The idea to write a blog came after reading Gloria Steinem's book, "A Revolution From Within". I'm the kind of person that believes in divine guidance and since I graduated from University with a BA in Psychology, I have kind of been on this pathway to discover who I am- what am I passionate about, how can I pursue a career that is in tune with my life goals and dreams? I graduated 2 years ago and while I have gained some clarity on what excites me, I was looking for confirmation on who i want to be.

Anyway, my husband and I had just left the supermarket and we were on our way to the food court to pick up some rhoti when we passed an aunt of mine sitting at a table selling books for the YWCA. I love to read, so we decided to take a look and see whether there were any treasures hidden from the unsuspecting eye. I had picked up one or two semi- interesting books that I was about to buy for charity when I whispered to myself- come on give me something good to read. That's when the spine of this academic looking book caught my eye - Revolution From Within- sure I was looking for knowledge, for some clarity, for something to wake me out of this slumber so i grabbed it without really looking at the contents and we went on our way.

Through this book, Gloria Steinem re-awakened within in me a passion to understand myself as a woman in this complex world. She encourages me to rebuild from a place of brokenness and to learn to love myself as a complete, worthy individual. Here I see the importance of self-esteem, something that I have struggled with and continue to struggle with as a black Caribbean woman.
I turn the pages of the magazine, watch television and blockbuster movies, read books- I am a minority in this world. My black fingers navigate through a white is right world. I look for clothes to fit my curvy hips and thick thighs, my small waist, my short torso- everything needs to be adjusted. I look for ideas to style my natural hair and I see all of these Black Hair magazines with black Americans and their chemically processed hair. I feel sometimes that I do no fit anywhere, I look in the mirror and wonder if I am beautiful too and I know that there are others that feel the same.

I used to fill out this online quiz that used to ask random questions about a persons likes and dislikes, their hopes and fears and once you were done you would send it to your friends so that they could get a deeper glimpse of who you are. One of the questions asked,

"If you could have a superpower what would it be?"

Throughout the years my answer never changed, I wanted to be a healer that had the power to heal someone emotionally and physically. Perhaps it is why I studied psychology, I'm still trying to understand myself, I'm still trying to heal myself from my own emotional scars.

Gloria Steinem words it beautifully, she says, "we teach what we need to learn and write what we need to know". Somewhere along the way I started to run on autopilot, it's then I stopped writing, I lost that connection to my innermost self, I left me behind and everything became fuzzy from there. I lost my voice.

This blog is a journey into the interior, a journey within. With my voice I hope to break down the framework of lies that traps me into believing that I am less than, that I have no say, that I am powerless, that I have no choice. With my voice I hope to delve into deep dark places and let go of the hurt, let go of the pain and forgive. With this voice I plan to learn to love me unconditionally so that I can learn to live my life freely, passionately and deeply. I hope you enjoy the ride.


  1. Courts - after reading this, I feel like I never truly got to know you. Congratulations on creating a blog in order to channel your beautiful words and inspire others. It is truly amazing how much love I feel reading your words.

  2. I would surely like to be on this journey with you. It is important that we as women, especially as "la negra feminina" stick with eachother especially when embarking on such a "self-proclaiming" (if I may use such a term) journey. So let me say publically- THANK YOU FOR STARTING THIS JOURNEY WITHIN!

    Love Maria

  3. You are an inspiration to me my dear cousin. You were always so caring and compassionate when we were growing up and i am proud to call you family. I feel like my leaving has caused me to miss some of your pivotal years, yet your correspondnce has given me a little glimpse into who you are. You are awesome! I hope your journey is blessed. love you, A

  4. Namaste Courtney


    I honor the place in you
    in which the entire Universe dwells..
    I honor the place in you
    which is of Love, of Truth, of Light and of Peac:
    When you are in that place in you,
    and I am in that place in me,

    I feel the need to share with you one of my poems check it out here:

  5. I want to congratulate you on finding the ultimate outlet for a personal introspection. This is always an amazing exercise in the art of getting in touch with one’s true feelings, especially when it is done with such taste for brutal frankness. You did not spare yourself, and that made good inspiring reading.

    I actually thought that you were writing a novel. It started like one, continued like one and ended like one. Now here is a thought for you: it seems to me that you should just keep on writing your experiences with the same explicit truths, and who knows, somewhere down the road you may make the wonderful discovery that you have actually written a book of great inspiration.

    Thank you for sharing.


    Remember this quotation last session?

    If that which thou seekest
    Thou finest not within thyself
    Thou wilt not find it outside of thyself.
    Sendivogius (The great Martinist mystic)

    And, it was also said that when the individual finally finds that which he/she seeks, that it cannot be shared with anyone.

    Your question to this was: Why can it not be shared?

    Answer in detail:
    Spiritually, it would be impossible for anyone to describe the indescribable. The blissful, spiritual rapture that comes from this experience cannot be shared with another, since there are no earth words eloquent enough with which mortal words could describe an immortal experience. It really is about coming face to face with the Christ, within.

    The experience is that which the literal Christian fundamentalist describes as:
    the coming of the glory of God
    The second coming
    The sound of the last trump when the dead in Christ shall rise
    The moment when the clouds shall roll back, and Christ shall appear in the clouds of heaven in all His glory and with all His heavenly hosts, etc.etc.

    It would be an awesome experience to the one receiving it, so awesome to behold in fact that words would be outmoded and totally irrelevant. It is doubtful whether speech would be possible in that moment where shines upon you, the absolute glory, of the immortal self.

  6. My beautiful, beautiful baby. This is absolutely wonderful and yes I am enjoying the ride.

    You are an amaizing young woman and I am proud you have chosen me to be your mother. I know that you will one day find the inner peace you desire.

    Your insights and determination is an inspiration to all. I know this blog will help others to come to grips with their own uncertainties.

    You are such a loving, caring, compassionate person and I have no doubt that one day you will find the career that enhances your beliefs and desires and truly makes you happy.

    I Love you always.


Thank you for posting. Your comments mean a lot to me!