I read somewhere that the problems we face on a global scale are a reflection of the problems we have yet to solve on an individual level, like poverty (self-empowerment), crimes of passion (forgiveness), war (fear). It's a cycle that keeps repeating itself until one day you wake up and say I'm tired of this and I don't want to live like this anymore. It's either that or we stay miserable for the rest of our lives, complaining, blaming and taking no responsibility for what we can change, how we can learn, what we can do. It is all so simple and yet so hard.
Recently I've been having a hard time. I've been looking at where I am and where I want to be and I've been angry, depressed, frusturated and generally unsatisfied. I felt as if all of this soul searching just reveals one thing, I am such a mess, I'm not doing anything right and I don't know where to begin to rectify all the damage or reach some semblance of ballance and peace. I felt as if I haven'tlearnt one thing. I felt stagnated and repulsive. This kind of energy seeped into everything I saw, everything I felt- I didn't like the way I was feeling, I didn't like the person I was becomming. I felt like I was in my own private hell.
Then an incident came up at work and my boss and I had a disagreement on a matter. I basically told him that he was unappreciative of me as a work employee, he puts me under too much pressure and he stretches me thin with my resposibilities. I must admit, it felt really good to get it off of my chest, this thing that was eating away at me for months on end just eating and festering like a parasite. It took me a few days to realise that he was right, I do have a history of not accepting criticism well. It took me almost a week to realise that I've been fighting myself for these last few months. I take crap from people all of the time, I don't stand up for myself and I sell myself short because I do not acknowledge or accept myself as a talented individual who is worthy of authentic relationships, better work positions and better job conditions.
I also realise that I have trouble accepting criticism because I give myself impossible standards to live up to and I'm very unforgiving when i fall short of them, even though I fall short over and over again. Where is the love in that. With slow effort I have begun to identify a cycle in my life. I attract people who will trample all over me if I don't establish boundaries from the get go- some of my family relationships, previous friendships, 2 out of 3 of my past employers, my previous dance teacher (funnily enough I don't let Nigel get away with zilch). I always place their opinion over mine, I always make myself available, I never complain and I never stand up for myself I just sit there and take the pummelling. I bottle up my anger when I am mad. I stifle my feelings when I'm hurt and I avoid confrontation. But then things start going south, I start getting wrestless, cause not even a slow poke like me can take on so much crap at one time. One day I just say "Enough!" and I almost explode. Yes, it feels good in the short term to finally do something good for me but in the long term it can be hurtful and burn bridges so to speak.
The most liberating thing for me was to hand in my letter of resignation, with my husband's support even when I don't have a job lined up. Why did I do it, some people would ask, because I was tired of being afraid, I needed to do something for me and I trust that I will find something to bring me a paycheck for the month of March (yes I have some savings too!). In addition to that, I needed something to jump kick me into action to take charge of my life and stop allowing things to happen to me. I need to stretch my legs, take a risk and just go- before I talk myself out of it. And you know what, I fully trust that the doors will open and everything will be alright.
As for this cycle, we are all moving through one. We are all connected. Attracting people and circumstances that try to teach us a way to a better life. I think we need to be more compassionate with one another and realise that we are all a work in progress. There are people who have come into my life as gifts to teach me to stop acting like a victim and stand up for myself, set boundaries and believe in myself, my talents, my gifts, myself as an individual. I think I too have come into their lives to teach them that any self-respecting person will not sit there and take the kind of treatment they see fit to mete out. I think we are all lookin for a ballance.
As for this cycle, I hope the lesson has finally hit home for me because I don't want to do this dance again. But I must say I am happy to look back at it all and see the bigger picture. Perhaps it means that I'm no longer stuck in limbo. It's time now to put action to words. I will let you know how it all pans out.