Friday, March 14, 2008

Real Freedom

In the book "Psycho-Cybernetics" by Maxwell Maltz, the author describes the healthy human being as a goal seeking, goal driven individual. Sometimes I become frustrated and angry because I do not feel as if I am getting anywhere on this journey towards getting to know myself and finding the right career path for myself. It feels like I am just passing time doing nothing meaningful or important. But in the silence, out here with the cool evening wind brushing my skin and the sun slowly fading from the evening sky, I realise that I am on a much larger quest. I realise that finding contentment in all things big and small- the twittering of the sparrow, the sweet song of the yellow breast, the chill of the evening air seeping into my wrap, the smell of food cooking in the apartments below, the neighbor's dog barking in the background, the soft drifting clouds and me, myself and I sitting on the porch in conversation with a book from my aunt's old collection- contentment, detachment, acceptance in and of all things- these are the real joys of life. 

Will I feel this way tomorrow? I don't know. But I have this immense feeling of gratitude now, and I would like to savour it while it lasts and endeavour to be patient, faithful and nonjudgmental even if just for this moment. 

Real freedom cannot be bought with money, it is the ability to find contentment in all things.


Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Attempt at a Poem

I found it discarded on the sand
Bone dry and bleached out by the harsh unrelenting sun
The song of the sea would not soothe it
The kiss of the wind would not caress it
It was simply alone
Drifting in the middle of here and nowhere
Watching the earth spin by

Weariness had seeped into it's bones
A cold, damp chill
Though the day grew warm and still
It's weary heart could no be filled
Dragged by the shore's tide
Stretched out beneath the sun
It drank in the roaring ocean
and rolled about on the bejewelled land
Weeping and sighing in ecstasy as the belly of the sand
Rose and fell beneath Her touch

Something inside stirred
Something stumbled
Unfolding slowly beneath the cloudless sky
(A long awaited encounter with the Divine?)

By: me

Reconnecting-The Difference Between Living and Existing

I've been trying to sum up in one or two sentences the reason that I left my job. Was it because I felt unappreciated and underpaid? Was it because I simply didn't love what I was doing? Was it because the job had become too stressful and I no longer felt that it was worth killing myself over? There are many reasons to leave a job. I think my biggest reason was because I was tired of feeling so run down, of having such a half hearted atitude and living to work. What did my life outside of work consist of? And how could I let the demands of my job overrun my needs as an individual for relationships, leisure activities and something as simple as a descent home cooked meal?

I had stopped living my life and had relegated myself to a life where I merely existed outside of what I could accomplish within the work setting. I had allowed myself to accrue all of my feelings of self-worth to my role and accomplishments in the workplace. Can I blame anyone but myself?

So why did I leave?

I felt like my life force was slowly draining from me and I just wanted to feel alive again. I just wanted to feel like I was talented, creative, adventurous and beautiful. I wanted to feel like the sky was the limit to my potential. I wanted to feel connected again and peaceful and cherished and loved- not battered, run down and abused at the end of the day. And a lot of the way I was feeling has to do with me. What I choose to let in to my sanctuary and how I allow things to affect me.

How can I re-connect again? How can I feel alive again? How can I get back to me?

It's like I have to rediscover myself, celebrate my talents, abilities, gifts and accept the parts of me that need to change and grow. Such a simple formula right?

Then why does it seem so hard?

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Tomorrow Will Have to Take Care of Itself

A lot of us attribute our self-worth to many things, our families, our jobs, our hobbies, our talents, our gender, our race, even our nationality. But if we were to strip away all of these things, who would we be and would we then find ourselves unworthy, inadequate, lost? All of these references lie outside of us and are inconstant. At some point they change, dim or simply fade away.

February 29th was the end of an era for me, it was my last day at my previous place of work and the beginning of my journey into the unknown. In the short amount of time that I have been at home I find myself questioning and doubting myself as an individual, my talents, my gifts, my motivation. Reading and researching tirelessly for one thing- the solution. I find myself returning to one thought, if only I could find the kind of job in which I can utilise my talents and impact people's lives. One that supports my need to live a balanced, better quality life... then I would not be so restless, then I would find some peace, then I could focus my energy and start digging into life.

There is only one problem with this solution- it's not a solution. My ideal job won't be the key to a happy life. I've received this advice time and time again from loved ones and friends and even from various articles I have read- if only it could be so simple. The real problem is getting it through this thick scull of mine. The real issue is that somewhere along the way I stopped living. I was instead existing from weekend to weekend, wishing Friday could come soon enough so that I could spend time doing what I want to do- whatever that was.
But now look at me, I have nothing but time. Time to meditate, to read, to party, to watch movies, to catch up with old friends, to spend quality time with family, to cook, to spend quality time with myself. But only three days in and I find myself going stir crazy. My husband says that I cannot be pleased. I am beginning to think that perhaps he's right. Perhaps there is something wrong with me.
What I really think is that I am going through a process of learning, of waiting, of cleansing and of renewal. What I need to learn is to enjoy life in the moment- in silence, in sunlight, through the noise from construction next door to rainy overcast days, and stop waiting for the next big thing to happen. In terms of waiting, I need to learn that I am not always in control; things do not happen when, how and the way that I want. I can't get all the answers now, or by the end of the day, or by tomorrow, the end of next week or next month, just because that is the deadline that I have set. I need to exercise faith and wait upon God's timing for things to become clear again, for doors to open and opportunities to spring anew. God does not take commands and He/She does not work according to my schedule, I am to wait on Her/Him. As for the cleansing, I need to practice living a more balanced life, storing good thoughts in my mind, working and feeding my body wholesome foods and meditating on the higher purpose that lies within- in essence I am in the process of cleansing and renewing my mind, body and soul.
It is a rough journey waiting. I'd much prefer to exhaust all bodies of knowledge to see what is available and what is the next best job opportunity for me. But I would end up in the same cycle of fear and insecurity. Instead I have been asked, rather politely to attend to the deeper wound, the one that has been neglected and as a result has not been able to heal. Instead I have been asked to work past the frustration and the headaches and the stomach churnings that accompany my fear of the unknown and my constant need for approval and stability and exercises a little faith, work on healing. All I can promise is that I'll try for today; tomorrow will have to take care of itself.