Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Tomorrow Will Have to Take Care of Itself

A lot of us attribute our self-worth to many things, our families, our jobs, our hobbies, our talents, our gender, our race, even our nationality. But if we were to strip away all of these things, who would we be and would we then find ourselves unworthy, inadequate, lost? All of these references lie outside of us and are inconstant. At some point they change, dim or simply fade away.

February 29th was the end of an era for me, it was my last day at my previous place of work and the beginning of my journey into the unknown. In the short amount of time that I have been at home I find myself questioning and doubting myself as an individual, my talents, my gifts, my motivation. Reading and researching tirelessly for one thing- the solution. I find myself returning to one thought, if only I could find the kind of job in which I can utilise my talents and impact people's lives. One that supports my need to live a balanced, better quality life... then I would not be so restless, then I would find some peace, then I could focus my energy and start digging into life.

There is only one problem with this solution- it's not a solution. My ideal job won't be the key to a happy life. I've received this advice time and time again from loved ones and friends and even from various articles I have read- if only it could be so simple. The real problem is getting it through this thick scull of mine. The real issue is that somewhere along the way I stopped living. I was instead existing from weekend to weekend, wishing Friday could come soon enough so that I could spend time doing what I want to do- whatever that was.
But now look at me, I have nothing but time. Time to meditate, to read, to party, to watch movies, to catch up with old friends, to spend quality time with family, to cook, to spend quality time with myself. But only three days in and I find myself going stir crazy. My husband says that I cannot be pleased. I am beginning to think that perhaps he's right. Perhaps there is something wrong with me.
What I really think is that I am going through a process of learning, of waiting, of cleansing and of renewal. What I need to learn is to enjoy life in the moment- in silence, in sunlight, through the noise from construction next door to rainy overcast days, and stop waiting for the next big thing to happen. In terms of waiting, I need to learn that I am not always in control; things do not happen when, how and the way that I want. I can't get all the answers now, or by the end of the day, or by tomorrow, the end of next week or next month, just because that is the deadline that I have set. I need to exercise faith and wait upon God's timing for things to become clear again, for doors to open and opportunities to spring anew. God does not take commands and He/She does not work according to my schedule, I am to wait on Her/Him. As for the cleansing, I need to practice living a more balanced life, storing good thoughts in my mind, working and feeding my body wholesome foods and meditating on the higher purpose that lies within- in essence I am in the process of cleansing and renewing my mind, body and soul.
It is a rough journey waiting. I'd much prefer to exhaust all bodies of knowledge to see what is available and what is the next best job opportunity for me. But I would end up in the same cycle of fear and insecurity. Instead I have been asked, rather politely to attend to the deeper wound, the one that has been neglected and as a result has not been able to heal. Instead I have been asked to work past the frustration and the headaches and the stomach churnings that accompany my fear of the unknown and my constant need for approval and stability and exercises a little faith, work on healing. All I can promise is that I'll try for today; tomorrow will have to take care of itself.

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