I'm reading this book now by Eckhart Tolle, "A New Earth". I was not really caught up in all the fanfare and hullabaloo that surrounded this book but my mother heard about it and purchased it for me (I love my mommy) and I figure I should have the decency to open up and see what message could be awaiting me. Besides, as I mentioned before, I don't believe in coincidences. I even go on www.oprah.com to see the web classes, go through the workbook and do a few of the exercises. It's all an interesting experience. Watching the web class for Chapter 2, Eckhart Tolle talks about being friendly with the present moment. Until recently I never realised how hard that is.
I spend most days waiting for the next moment: for the next movie or sitcom, for my song to download, for my husband to come home, to finish cooking dinner. Even menial tasks like washing dishes or jogging up and down the stairs. Everything has become a means to an end. How many moments do I actually enjoy? How many meals do I actually relish? How much time do I spend being present with the people I love without always thinking of the next thing on my itinerary? Even before I finish meditating, I'm already thinking about what needs to be done once my meditation comes to an end. And if I exercise I focus more on the long term benefits of losing weight rather than simply being present and enjoying the invigorating flow of energy through the muscles in my body
I talk a lot about the importance of living and not just existing, but the days run by and I wonder, have I really been present for any of these moments? How many more Sunday April 13th 2008 days will I have once this day is gone? It seems I am always looking for the next event, never really accepting and loving and giving in the moment, in the now. In essence I am cheating myself of this life, feeling disconnected, like I am floating from one moment to the next.
What a strange thing.
They say that wanting is a dangerous thing. But I want more out of this life. I want to feel alive! I want to feel the song of the bird ripple through me, to feel the rays of the sun fill me and the caress of the wind embrace me. I want to feel the support of the earth beneath my feet and feel the essence, delicateness and beauty of the flower radiate through me. I don't want to feel less than because I've gained a little weight, I don't like house work, I'm unemployed, I love cheesy sitcoms and television dramas and my hair never wants to stay in place. I don't want to feel as if I have to work hard to deserve happiness and that if I don't work at a particular establishment, have my life sorted out by 40yrs and have kids by 26yrs that I'm a loser and a failure. And when I do a mediocre job at being a wife, a daughter, a sister, a niece, a friend, an employee, a black, middle-classed Caribbean female, I don't want to feel like I am simply unworthy and can no longer stand to look at myself in the mirror.
Strip all of these labels away from me, all the stereotypes and structures that I have allowed myself to be boxed into and Who Am I?
Who am I?
And if I find and define myself within all of these labels and structures, then without them I am nothing at all.
Am I nothing at all?