It's been almost two weeks since this question has been posed to me and I feel such resistance everytime I begin to think of the possibility that things could possibly remain this way forever. The truth is it's not that things are so horrible now, its just that I look forward to progress, to the evolution of my person, to a deeper knowledge of myself and a more profound connection to God. I look forward to the steady advancement of my career, to my own home, to a growing family, to travelling and seeing some of the wonders of the world. I look forward to spending time with family that I get to see sometimes once a year, to having my own babies and sitting on a porch swing staring at my beautiful garden. I look forward to growing old with my husband and retiring and spending days by the beach watching the sun rise and warm a new day.
All of this looking forward, I find it sometimes impossible to just be at peace with the fact that I may never find that job that brings added value and meaning to who I am. It's possible that I will always be drifting, or that I'll settle in a regular 9am to 5pm job, glancing up at the clock every now and then, waiting for the end of the day to come. I may not even be able to have my own kids. I may never get to see Alaska or Tibet or Ireland. I may never live in a dream home near the sea. Nigel and I may even fall out of love (God forbid). I may never dance on stage again. I may never be able to publish a heart wrenching book of poetry. There are many plans that may never come to fruition, many dreams that may only remain in the corner of my mind. Can I be at peace with that?
I think I need to be, if I want any peace in this life. I think that I need to learn that I don't really have control of anything except Who I Am in this moment. I think I need to trust that I am where I need to be right now and stop being so ressistant to the learning process, to challenges, to growing responsibilities, to change. I think I need to trust that no matter what happens, everything will be alright. I think I need to sit and feel the pressence of God in my life, and if I just let go, just let go, just let go...I'll find joy in the quiet tapping of my fingers on the keyboard in the early morning, sweet peace in my husbands sleeping body next to mine, simple happiness in pleasant interactions with random strangers as we cross paths time and again and the biggest surprise of all- I'll find that I am happy and I am free and not such a bad person afterall, and as Alicia Keys sings, "Everything's gonna be alright"