Saturday, July 26, 2008

On The Right Track

A series of events have brought me to this moment
New people in my life,
New decisions,
New circumstances,
Pathways of the past suddenly illuminated to give me encouragement for the future
I watch delighted
Joy again ignites my heart as the colour of hope bounces playfully past
And all the promises of the Universe suddenly unfold into my lap

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Letting Go

They say that the people that come into our lives are placed there strategically to teach us more about ourselves. That what we despise in others only grows stronger within. And instead of looking within, we look without to see who we can blame for our demise, who we can demonise.

In a sudden flash of insight it suddenly became clear to me that what I despise in you feeds the beast in me. You lack of appreciation towards the people who unselfishly work on your behalf, your inability to give praise, encouragement and validation, your nit-picking, your lack of trust in people's motivations, your constant need to blame and point fingers at the people you hold responsible for your successes and failures- your inhumanity.

I recognise the beast within you because it lives inside of me too. You hurt because your hurting, because you've been hurt. This anger spreads out like a fan affecting all the people in your life, pushing them away, leaving you alone. Do you know how many people I have hurt, how may I have pushed away because I don't trust, don't want to believe that they want to do something nice for me, something good for me because they want to be a part of my life, they want to know who I am, because they see something good? Sometimes it feels like everything I touch is poison, because I am poison and I haven't learnt to let go.

How many lies will we hold on to for the sake of shielding ourselves, protecting ourselves from what we think is the unavoidable. What happens? Who do we become when we let go?


Or Free.

Why is it so hard to take responsibility?

Why is it so hard to let go?

Monday, July 21, 2008

My Prayer For You

I pray above all things that you will find peace
that happiness will spring like a seed of joy from your womb
infecting everything you see, smell, hear, taste and touch.

I pray that your eyes may see the beauty that surrounds you
That your heart may be opened to soft spoken words, warm hands and all things done in the name of love for and because of who you are

I pray that you will hold onto hope long enough for it to prove to you
That you are never alone

I pray that your faith is strong enough to carry you through all that seems at first glance lost, unbearable and unforgiveable

I pray that one day you will come to understand that we are all children of God struggling through the dark to remember again what is laughter, what is peace, what is freedom, what is

I pray that the reality of the truth will lighten your step and lighten your heart always

With thoughts of love


Monday, July 7, 2008

Running Away

There are a lot of reasons to justify running away from things, situations, people that scare and intimidate us. I've had my share of running. I run in different ways for different reasons, reasons that I am not proud of. I'll avoid situations because I don't want to find out the truth about myself. I don't want people to build high expectations only to become dissappointed. Ultimately, I can't handle facing my deepest fear- that I am not good enough.

Since I graduated from UWI, I have had a total of 4 jobs, each quite different from the other. It shames me to say- 4 jobs in 2 years. From passenger agent to receptionist at a jewelry boutique, to communications assistant to receptionist at a day spa. My family asks me, whenever they see me whether I have chosen my career path as yet. When am I going back to school to complete my Masters? Sometimes I feel like a total loser for not knowing what kind of career drives and motivates me. I think to myself, shouldn't I know by now? Haven't I made enough guesses, enough wrong turns? Why can't I just stick to something, anything? It's like I have commitment anxiety to work.

But I don't want to be a drifter, a floater, a dreamer and yet that is exactly what I appear to be. I guess that's what upsets me the most. I don't like who I appear to be, because it's not who I am. In my last couple of jobs to the present I've felt like I've hit the replay button. A drama keeps unfolding where I find myself butting up against these super defensive egos that want to antagonise, punish and blame the people who work for them. Work morale is low, working environments are tense and there are too many questions: Why do they treat people like that? How did I get myself into this situation? And the most important ones being Why am I here? and Should I really stand for this nonsense?
Many times I've seen myself as the victim, but this time I realise that it really has nothing to do with me. What happened to these people that they feel they can't trust and have to emotionally bully people into submission? What happened to me that I keep attracting the same relationships, the same employers? Do I not think that I deserve more?

Sometimes I wish my guardian angel could just speak to me with real words, guide me, tell me where I need to go. I don't want to run anymore and I don't want to play the victim. I really am just looking forward to working towards something, something that improves me and allows me to help others. I want stability, and the peace of mind that comes with it. But it seems as if the Universe has other plans and I can only choose to go with the flow and trust that everything will work out in the end. Trust- it's like I don't even know what that means anymore. How can I not be dissappointed? Who wants to uproot again, to start over again, to search again and hope for the best? Is hope all I have these days?
Why do I stay?
To prove that I am not a quitter. To who?
To continue to make a financial contribution to my family.
Because I am comfortable and afraid of change.
Because no job is perfect and people are not perfect and this could be the ultimate lesson that I need to learn
Because I am afraid of how I will appear, of what people, my family will think.
To reach this evolutionary state of heightened awareness that shows me that I can endure, that people and circumstances do not dictate my happiness, to allow myself to see the person beyond the ego, beyond the pain and give myself the chance, the challenge to recognise the divinity within? The divinity that connects us all.
Because I don't want to run away again.
How do I justify leaving?
To take a stand for myself.
To no longer underestimate my value and self worth.
To prove to myself that I don't have to or need to take crap from anyone.
To trust in the Universe for guidance and direction, for opportunity.
Because I can contribute to my family with any job.
To prove to myself that I am not manipulated into making decisions based upon what people think and expect of me
To trust in this process, this journey, my path
To prove to myself that I will not let the fear of the unknown cripple me into indecision- to embrace the unknown
Indecision is a decision to do nothing and take no responsibility.
I am tired of analysing and overanalysing.
For once I want to know, for once I want to trust, for once I want to put faith into action and beyond words. For once.