Monday, July 7, 2008

Running Away

There are a lot of reasons to justify running away from things, situations, people that scare and intimidate us. I've had my share of running. I run in different ways for different reasons, reasons that I am not proud of. I'll avoid situations because I don't want to find out the truth about myself. I don't want people to build high expectations only to become dissappointed. Ultimately, I can't handle facing my deepest fear- that I am not good enough.

Since I graduated from UWI, I have had a total of 4 jobs, each quite different from the other. It shames me to say- 4 jobs in 2 years. From passenger agent to receptionist at a jewelry boutique, to communications assistant to receptionist at a day spa. My family asks me, whenever they see me whether I have chosen my career path as yet. When am I going back to school to complete my Masters? Sometimes I feel like a total loser for not knowing what kind of career drives and motivates me. I think to myself, shouldn't I know by now? Haven't I made enough guesses, enough wrong turns? Why can't I just stick to something, anything? It's like I have commitment anxiety to work.

But I don't want to be a drifter, a floater, a dreamer and yet that is exactly what I appear to be. I guess that's what upsets me the most. I don't like who I appear to be, because it's not who I am. In my last couple of jobs to the present I've felt like I've hit the replay button. A drama keeps unfolding where I find myself butting up against these super defensive egos that want to antagonise, punish and blame the people who work for them. Work morale is low, working environments are tense and there are too many questions: Why do they treat people like that? How did I get myself into this situation? And the most important ones being Why am I here? and Should I really stand for this nonsense?
Many times I've seen myself as the victim, but this time I realise that it really has nothing to do with me. What happened to these people that they feel they can't trust and have to emotionally bully people into submission? What happened to me that I keep attracting the same relationships, the same employers? Do I not think that I deserve more?

Sometimes I wish my guardian angel could just speak to me with real words, guide me, tell me where I need to go. I don't want to run anymore and I don't want to play the victim. I really am just looking forward to working towards something, something that improves me and allows me to help others. I want stability, and the peace of mind that comes with it. But it seems as if the Universe has other plans and I can only choose to go with the flow and trust that everything will work out in the end. Trust- it's like I don't even know what that means anymore. How can I not be dissappointed? Who wants to uproot again, to start over again, to search again and hope for the best? Is hope all I have these days?
Why do I stay?
To prove that I am not a quitter. To who?
To continue to make a financial contribution to my family.
Because I am comfortable and afraid of change.
Because no job is perfect and people are not perfect and this could be the ultimate lesson that I need to learn
Because I am afraid of how I will appear, of what people, my family will think.
To reach this evolutionary state of heightened awareness that shows me that I can endure, that people and circumstances do not dictate my happiness, to allow myself to see the person beyond the ego, beyond the pain and give myself the chance, the challenge to recognise the divinity within? The divinity that connects us all.
Because I don't want to run away again.
How do I justify leaving?
To take a stand for myself.
To no longer underestimate my value and self worth.
To prove to myself that I don't have to or need to take crap from anyone.
To trust in the Universe for guidance and direction, for opportunity.
Because I can contribute to my family with any job.
To prove to myself that I am not manipulated into making decisions based upon what people think and expect of me
To trust in this process, this journey, my path
To prove to myself that I will not let the fear of the unknown cripple me into indecision- to embrace the unknown
Indecision is a decision to do nothing and take no responsibility.
I am tired of analysing and overanalysing.
For once I want to know, for once I want to trust, for once I want to put faith into action and beyond words. For once.

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