Poem- December 20th 2008

Sometimes I still see her as the enemy
She makes me feel the pain as something real
raw
and bottomless
I try to numb her with
savory treats and
endless distractions
only to feel her shift restlessly
stifled
but not silenced

She will not leave me in peace

There is the rare occasion when I am strong enough to embrace her
crumpled
heaving form
She can grieve then with dignity
She can survive the barrenness of winter and hope for spring again

Hope

It's like trying to assimilate a foreign language
I grasp at the word but find it ever elusive
Always evading my short swollen hands

But spring seems so far
Too far from my freezing heart
I ice over again
She suffers alone
Her silent wails wake me in the early morning hours when it is still dark outside
Her snotty sobs slip me into an exhausted sleep at night

I am on the defence
or offence
I'm not strong enough for this
I'm not strong enough to take care of this withering, dependent, grieving child
I'm not ready to be a mother.
It's then I realise I suffer from a horrible affliction
An inability to nurture myself.


...me

Untitled (1st December 2008)

Tears flow like a river from my heart
Always returning back to you
I sit on my knees trying to piece together the puzzle of my life
the puzzle of this broken mess
My heart.
What am I to do with all of this new found freedom?
I risked everything for love
only to have what is left of my shattered heart returned to me.
"Poor girl, your such a fool"
I think now that I will never love again
Since love is too cruel and people seem incapable of it.


...me

The VOID (20 Nov. 2008)

I have this void inside of me
It's so huge
and gaping
and painful

It scrapes
It stares
It pulls at me like a malnourished child

"I am so needy
fill me, fill me, fill me.
I am so unhappy
I am so alone
fill me, fill me, fill me
fill me, fill me, fill me"

I am sated but never satsfied
I am still unhappy
I am still alone.

I want
I need
I want
I need
It is never enough
It is never good enough for me.


...me

Digging Deep (14 Nov. 2008)

My mother tells me to dig deep
real deep
when life seems hard
She wears the battle scars of loneliness after 20+ years of a marriage that ended in failure
She lives in a three bedroom house
with two angel-faced beauties whose feet pitter-patter
as they follow her around the house
I say I am digging deep
but the tears keep comming
and sometimes it seems as if the pain is more than I can bear.

Simple prayers echo off silent lips.

Questions seem to hold no real answers.

A heartwenching cry for help.

And even in my apparent weakness,
I find strength in a new day.
Promises for peace, love, wisdom and hope
flutterby on yellow wings
or coat the air with their honey-glazed song.
And when I feel the void opening up beneath me
I find comfort in the space between word and thought,
pen and paper
and beautiful teachings from Bon Masters, Native Americans, Christians, Buddhists
and regular souls just like me
and then there are the kind, supportive words of family and friends
that are as dissappointed as I am
that life has a habit of hitting you where it hurts the most.



...me