Wednesday, November 4, 2009

One Night

One night
While He lay beside me
His head resting
Rising and falling on my chest
He whispered something I could only hear in the silence
His words cracking my rugged armor wide open
The dying embers of my hesitant heart
At once aflame.
He whispered,
I have never let you wander far from my gaze
In fact
I cannot live without you.
In time
In time
In time
He caressed,
I will possess your heart.

If You Do Not Exist

I have ached for you,
My heart clenched tight like a fist.
I have dreamed of you,
It is my sanity,
The only place where my spirit finds rest.
I have longed for you,
My eyes misted at the bitterness of an existence without your touch.
What will I do?
What will I do if you not exist?
I will pray for death to ease me from a life of brokenness
Rotted from the inside out
There will be no comfort
No release
No warmth
No friend.
If you do not exist,
I am nothing
Life is nothing
Love is nothing
Without you.


Upon seeing your name
I touch you gently with my mind,
It is my prayer for you that life treats you with the kind of tenderness it would a newborn child.
For we are all innocent in our wanderings,
Innocent in our love talk,
Innocent in our life walk,
And today I know,
Today I know
That you never meant any harm.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

The Scavenger

I’ve spent the last few weeks roaming the fleshy corridors of my heart,
Listening to my footsteps echo past empty rooms,
Staring at the smeared remains of past transgressions
Scattered hopes like bits of charred glass.
Fearing a numbness threatening to take over
I ran
Looking for a friendly face, a soft kiss, a lover’s embrace
Searching for signs of life,
Leaving casualties moaning behind closed doors.
Yearning to feel whole again
(I pray god will forgive me)
I have wandered down many shadowed alleys.
All of this I’ve done running from you.
In the absence of light I scavenge the dying, the wounded for nourishment
My self-loathing writhing, a snake in my stomach.
In the silence,
I hear the call of something wild stir me from my dream walk.
Blood rushes in and I am
Empty and whole.
I follow,
Clutching at my chest in ragged anticipation
The promise of you stretched out like a beautiful dream
Right beyond my fingertips.


For a moment I turn from the aching flame that is my heart
And remember who I am,
An autumn leaf set ablaze by your golden kiss
Spiraling free in the chaotic rhythm of a playful gust,
My face turned towards your open door,
My heart full of laughter
Soft and light.
Let the old leaves fall away
Creating a bed for which I can lay my head
Before I wake again to walk barefoot on this pilgrim’s path.
You are the joy I cling to.
You are the eternity in which my soul rests.
Let no one disturb me while I’m in your presence.
Let the earth give homage to the river of life.
Let me pour out my insides so that only your sweet silence fills me.
I am the Lover
Undone by the sensuous promise of life.

For You

There is a song that sleeps inside of me,
Each yearning note stirs in the gentle pull of your presence.
I reach for you with my heart string
Weaving a spell,
Tuning myself to the note,
The melody
That will bind you to my side forever,
But your love cannot be bought or bargained for.
You are Freedom
Fluttering from host to host,
Bound by Nothing and No one,
Ever elusive as I grow desperate with need.
You are the Lover,
I cannot claim you as mine own
Less I crush those fragile wings
And turn your love to a powdery dust.
So I call into the silence,
Into the twilight of my soul’s longing
My hands always reaching,
My heart opening,
Opening again,
My feet tapping to the rhythm of the heart string.
I wait for you.

One Sweet Whisper

You’ve made me impossible to live with,
Just one sweet whisper and I am
Longing for you

Red Delicious

Your leaves are red delicious,
Frosted with fine mist from the
Autumn air.
My mouth
Lips open
My soul eager to gobble you up.

The Devotee

You must know I’m surrendering myself to
whatever may be,
Simply because I want to feel
the flower that is my heart bloom under your attentive gaze,
Find comfort in the warmth of your body entangled in mine,
Relish the bruise on my lips from your eager kisses.
I try to defend myself
Your words silken ribbons binding your heart to mine.
You want me naked and trembling before you,
Your love a lion licking its lips,
Threatening to devour me whole.
I the devotee
Meditating on delicious thoughts of a you and me.

He's Only Happy

He’s only happy when he’s
Ripping apart
The tender shoots of my
Newly rooted heart.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Warning Broken People Break Things

I think that life should come with a warning tag that says,
“Broken People Break Things”
Then maybe I would have known when His brother died
That it wasn’t for me to fix.

I once believed that time and god and love would heal all open wounds.
I once trusted in promises of love, marriage vows, the fruits of sacrifice and piousness.
I’ve always had faith in the impossible, the unseen,
I wanted to believe that someone could see me and love me for me.

Now my heart lies open
The soft stuffing scattered,
A button or two missing,
The thread coming apart at the seams,
It’s my fault for wearing my heart on my sleeve.
It seems life is messy and nothing is as I’d hoped it would be.

And suddenly You are here,
Wanting more than I can give.
You are armed with Your
Delicate hands,
A needle and matching thread,
Ready to repair any damage done,
'Cause I’m broken.

But this time I think I know
It’s not for you to fix.
This time I think I know that
Nothing you do or say can make me whole again
And for a moment I know what it’s like to be free.

Monday, October 26, 2009


Today the process of living is too painful.
I’ve tried to push you
Out of my thoughts,
Out of my life,
And move from that place of broken-ness to a space of
Healing and
But on days like this whatever progress I've made seems premature.

It’s been a year and I’m angry.
The pain of what happened between us racks my body so that I become
limp and cold and
welcome numbness.
I am tired of hurting.
I am tired of pain.
Your apologies are an insult to me because they seem empty and insincere.
You aren’t sorry.
You don’t even know what you’ve done.

There is someone new who chooses me,
That wants to me in their life.
But he is where we began and,
Talk of you,
Thoughts of you do not allow any space for something new
Though I had hoped by now I would have accepted the end of us.
The question remains,
Did you ever love me?
And then all the others come pouring over me-
Who should I have been,
What should I have done to make you love me?

You treat me like some unsettled dust that you need to sweep under the rug,
A business transaction gone wrong.
After six and a half years I have to look at myself and wonder what you see
That makes you think that I deserve all of this.
What makes me so Hateful and
and Unsightly
That you think you can treat me with such callous disregard?

“It was all a mistake” you say, of that you are sure.
These are your “sensitive” words for a difficult time,
As you take a minute out of your hectic schedule for the tragedy of a girl you once “loved”.
As for me I don’t know what to believe anymore.
I don’t trust my eyes,
my ears,
my heart
or my skin,
For all were convinced of your love and in turn loved you.

I search for myself everywhere but I am lost,
What is this life for?
Where do I begin?

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Season of Dying

The world is spinning again
I want to get off!
The colours, sights and sounds slosh together like bile
in the pit of my stomach,
at the back of my throat.
I take a deep breath,
Try to find my centre
But all I have are gaping holes.
I apply pressure to the open wounds,
Hoping to stem the leaking of my soul onto this haunted wasteland,
Where memories of our love wander without restraint.
There is no hope for me here.

I do not have the strength to seek the Lover,
I do not have the heart to meet the Friend.
This bloody pump is crushed beyond salvation,
Burnt from the inside out.
I watch as the autumn wind scatters it's ashes
like fallen leaves.
I cannot remember wholeness,
My thoughts stumbling like broken teeth from a decaying mouth.
I am just a shadow of the Summer sun,
I tire of this season of dying.
I want to come home to you again,
I want to come home.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

You Are Here Again

Somehow while I was sleeping,
You crept into the space that is my heart
And lifted the frantic fog that separated
Me from You.
Emerging from a drugged nothingness
I felt the speckled sunlight dance in me,
through me,
The leaves giggling excitedly,
The blue sky open
Lounging peacefully above us all.
An open door
A catch
His love a string pulling
Unraveling my quivering heart.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009


I haven't yet forgiven myself for the pain I have caused you.

I haven't yet let go of the shame of you leaving me behind.

I haven't yet recovered from the declaration that some things are worth fighting for,

But I am not.

I keep hoping that you are wrong.

I keep waiting for someone to prove you wrong.

What a fool.

I Hope That's Ok

I keep thinking that it's all my fault,
I should have given you a reason to stay.
Had I been someone else
You might have been able to love me.
Why couldn't I have been that someone else?

Sometimes I can't even look at myself in the mirror;
I can't see
What you once saw in me.
It's no wonder I hide away from the world
I don't feel that I deserve to taste that one sweet love

You don't call anymore.
You said you loved me Once
But you don't
My heart an overburdened sky,
Blackened with a grief so terribly mind numbing.

I want to say that I've changed but
I'm still wandering,
Still dreaming,
Still struggling to breath.

I just wanted to say that I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I hope that's ok.

Wrestling With Demons

Look at me,
I'm human.
I've made decisions that I have to live with.
Your judgments so quick
They slash away at the soft flesh that is my heart.
Forgive me for being so tender-headed,
These are wounds that run deep.
They scab but your clawed words pick away at the surface
Before they've had time to heal.
Had I found peace within myself we wouldn't be having this conversation.
But I wrestle nonetheless with these demons
I call my own.

Thursday, October 1, 2009


When I am with you I am
Empty and Whole.
Like a dragonfly
I fall into rhythm with the whispering leaves.
I watch as they spiral with muted grace
Down the pilgrim's path
Leading me
to you.

The End of An Era

Inside of me
I feel this love dying.
In it's place
A slow and painful withdrawing of the senses:

I scramble into the lap of the Eternal Mother,
Press her browning leaves against my grief-stained face,
Stumble to catch the last rays of this fading sun,
The warmth of Summer

Should My Heart Have Lips

Should my heart have lips,
a soft open mouth
it would say,
"Come back to me,
I love you still."
But these hands,
these eyes,
this tongue has tasted
a vastness,
a richness,
an emptiness so soul-filling

there are no words here...

I shall continue this journey
Whether or not we live or die.
I will remember wholeness.
I choose life.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009


Sleep threatens
This Will knows not surrender
but has found a resource and will feed.
I am caught between losing and finding.
I am caught in heaven, in hell.

my weariness betrays me.
Unable to resist
I slip into the vastness,
I am overcome.

In the silence
Something stirs.
A flash of recognition flutters on the surface.
The body shudders,
The heart squeezes its protest.

Nothing has changed.

The days and nights grow colder now,
They shape shift fast and slow.
I a lonesome pilgrim
Reaching for your turned face,
Standing behind closed doors.

I will not run this time.

I meet the dawn with eyes closed,
Let her veil slip into place,
Embrace the darkness
Feel it transform to a blazing red
and lift

with the effortless of feline grace.

The rising sun sets fire to the autumn leaves,
But they will not burn.
In blazed glory they dance instead
to a rhythm the ear cannot discern.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

The Unforgivable

I tread
into the barren bleakness,
into the scarred landscape
of the unforgivable.
Sometimes my body trembles,
my chest squeezes
the pain so unbearable
my body tingles in numbness.

The further I tread
the darker my sins,
the worst is yet to come.
This journey is killing me.
I find myself more loathsome,
more deplorable
than ever imagined.

A wave of pain washes over me,
I am paralysed.
I see you
I dream you
I see Myself.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Blanket of Numbness

I want to slip under the Blanket of Numbness.
I'm safe here,
Nothing can hurt me.
Nothing cold, or harsh, or painful can touch me.
There is no discomfort here
Instead, it's warm and embracing like my mother's arms as she cocoons me close to her bosom.
I am protected,
Life doesn't hurt so much.
My heart,
Doesn't hurt so much
And finally
I can surrender,
I can surrender,
to the wound less arms of sleep.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

The Ties That Bind

I made a new vow to myself. It was kind of an informal one but I want to honour it nonetheless. It was inspired by a series of random events but maybe nothing in life is random. It really became clear to me when reading the controversial "memoir" by James Frey "A Million Little Pieces". Transparency, how important to is to be honest and open to life in all of its shades if not with others, at least with yourself. It's a matter of life and death, at least it is for me.

For most of my life I've been running away from the darkness and running towards the light. In the darkness evil lurked, the ugly, the unimaginable, the repulsive, the forbidden. If I held on to the light then maybe it would obliterate (this is my new favourite word by the way) the darkness and everything unacceptable would just disappear. But nothing disappears because you ignore it, at least that's been my experience up to now.

So welcome to the new chapter. There will be some pretty heavy emotions here, some darkness, some feelings of despair and loneliness and depression, but there will be good feelings as well. There will be hope and laughter and childlike wonder at the world. So I'm trying to be honest here and I figure I'll begin where I'm most comfortable, the written word- because it is the most personal and the most accessible.

Here we go, don't be afraid of what you see or what you feel. I just want to let you know that here lies the ties that bind, our common thread, the web of human experience.

I want you to experience that huge sigh of relief that I feel when I realise, I am not alone.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Inside My Heart

This isn't a bartering system
An eye for an eye
A tooth for a tooth
Deserving or undeserving
You kneel before me
You kiss my feet,
my face
I tremble humbly before your boundless grace
The question wavering
the only thing that separates You and I

"Is love alive?"

The answer
so simple
so gentle
it sleeps inside my heart

Love & Second Chances

Maybe I don't deserve a second chance
Maybe you don't either
But love is
and a Lover of Fools

Thank God I am a fool
Because I have been loved a thousand and one times
by You.

The Beautiful Thing Is...

The deeper I fold into you
the more I find
my voice
my heart
Your seed planted deep in
the crevices,
My womb swollen in delight.

Letting go
Life is light, bubbly

God I missed you!

The days and nights without you felt like years of living hell.

I am yours
Drunk on loving
and being loved
by you
and the beautiful thing is
you don't care
you never questioned whether I deserve it,
Because in your eyes I always do.

Sloppy Leftovers

Of everything that once defined me
I stand outside your doorway

You kiss my face tenderly
A question pausing on your breath
The peace a secret in my heart
For which there is no reply.

Your love is
rough and tender with me.

I am nothing but sloppy leftovers
the joy that beats inside my heart.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Be happy

I want to tell him
"Do what you need to do to be happy."
But I have taken an oath of silence
The only words I have
tiny mirrors
aimed to reflect the sun
tiny reminders
should I lose my way and find myself suddenly in darkness.

I have taken myself out of the race
I drift lazily instead on the surface of longing and desire
Each day takes care of itself.
Each day I learn the end of us is not the end of me.
I can let go and live
I can let go and
Be happy
I can let go and
at peace.
I can let go and

The Embrace

Pointed fingers
Biting tones
These are barriers to our love
Leave them behind
Discard them like dirty garments

(there is only freedom here...)

Let me embrace you
Let us instead become one

Loving You

In loving you
the only pain is the pain of separation
the anxiety that follows my forgetfulness
the emptiness that consumes when I am not
consumed by you.

From the moment I was born
I dreamt of our reunion
I searched everywhere
for the loveliness of your face
I wept alone at night
dreaming of your kisses
your warmth
your embrace

I light a candle hoping
the scent will transport me back
to a time and a place
when we were one
No concept of You and I

My heart clenches in agony as I watch the birds
their flight a reminder of the freedom
and boundlessness of our love.
Though I try to fill up my days
with things and plans and secret get-a-ways
My heart sighs with longing

Everything reminds me of you.

Coming Home to You

there is no need for remorse
No need for regrets
There is no punishment
No guilt
No fear
No funeral procession
Only celebration
at the return of the prodigal daughter
gone too long from the bosom of the weeping mother

there is only fulness
Only beauty
Each petal of every tree turned to embrace the sun

When the heart returns
there is no talk of worthiness
No talk of sacrifice
No path to choose
No wrong turn
No proof of purchase

There is only
and dancing
and poetry

Let the heart sing
Each note a compass to your eternity
I'm coming home
I'm coming home to you.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

How Good It Is to Be Loved By You

I lay my weary body down
Soothed by your masculine solidity
Comforted by your feminine grace
This day I have wrung my heart of all its tears
and you are still here
Had I not seen your face before I would have been
I would have felt Abandoned

I hear your wordless whisper
dance through sun-speckled leaves
Even the trees are nourished by your presence
Even the trees know before they even think to call out for you
You've come.

With each breath I feel my shrivelled heart expand
I feel my shrivelled heart rejoice
How good it is to be loved
How good it is to be loved
How good it is to be loved
By you
(More tears...I thought I'd run out)

Monday, July 20, 2009

Without You (II)

Without you
I walk in
Fighting for acceptance
I cling to rituals
that have in the past reignited that delicate,
unpredictable spark
that ties me to you.
I plunge
into the rythm of my heartbeat
feel the water
liquid silk through my fingers
cradling my ears
my heart
my silent lover.
Letting go
I drift with the clouds
sometimes moving faster
sometimes moving slower
but watching
waiting for signs of movement
for signs of life.
What can I do to make you come back to me?
What can I do to bridge the gap that has grown like a chasm between us?
Who do you want me to be?


No more distractions
No more empty promises
No more quick fixes
No more pretenses
No more lies
Open my heart and enter freely
Take everything that doesn't belong
and leave only room for your majesty
your compassion
your truth
your love
For none, None can compare to you.
You are the only desire I cling to
my only freedom
Tell me what it is you seek of me
Whisper to me
as you would your only lover
as you would your only friend.
For I am yours
Take what I freely offer
Before fear makes me cold and numb

Just Be

Just Be
and from here

and the rest will follow through

Without You

The desire
to know you
feel you
breathe you
haunts me.
I am an automaton
an empty vessel
without you.

Where will I turn for comfort?
Each face is fickle and judgmental
Each goal temporary and distracting
None lead me closer to you

Am I left then
to wander these roads a lonely nomad?
Have you no place for me
in this home?

Each Moment

Each moment
I yearn to empty myself
so that I can become full again
so that I can become

If We Are One

If we are one
How come I cannot feel you
in the blue sky,
in the drifting clouds?
How come I cannot hear you
in the feathered whisper of the bird's wing
as it climbs higher and higher
towards the sun?
If we are one
then why do I feel lost to you
in the business of doing
in the excessiveness of talking and thinking and planning?
I feel very much severed from you
and though I drift between
Each time I feel the emptiness of your absence
I fear I will never breathe you again.
Each time you
kiss my eyes
whisper into my ears
caress my skin
I am sure that you will never leave.
But then you are gone
and I am alone again
Left with a distant memory of you
like a dream
I never want to wake from.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Back to You

How many times have you whispered to me
in the silence
Calling gently
Calling softly to me

You are
dismantling my dreams
dissolving my resolve
causing an upheaval in my ambitions
Everything I thought I knew
becomes dry
in time

You are the only constant
The only thing I dare hold on to
that will not crumble
that will not fade to dust

Where am I going?
I don't know where to start and yet
the journey has begun
Will you leave me in the end
as others have
with Nothing
and No one?

You ask me to abandon every plan
Every strategy
Every desire
I feel my heart splitting open
Grieving over all that has been lost
The people I disappoint
The life I leave behind

Where am I going?

I am finding my way back to you.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Chasing Bliss

Chasing Bliss

I’m twenty-five years old. I’ve been married, lived on my own, completed my first degree, had a steady job with reasonable enough pay and a family of odd but loveable characters that appreciate and support me. I’m young, healthy and about a year ago anyone who saw me would think that the world was my oyster. But the truth is that something is wrong with me, something is terribly wrong because in spite if all of these wonderful factors, I am the most unhappy person I know.

The irony of this situation is I’ve been chasing bliss from as far back as I can remember. Through the eyes of a child I realised that my parents, these people, whom I loved dearly, were stressed about money, overworked, miserable and depressed. I wanted to be happy.

I didn’t want to marry someone who didn’t love me. I didn’t want to shut myself off from life because I was too blind to see that it was beautiful and meant to loved and celebrated. I didn’t want to spend all of my time at a job where I worked so hard I didn’t have the time or was too tired to be involved in my children’s life. I would do things differently.

Based on these “scientific” observations, I devised a formula for happiness.

Perfect partner + Successful, meaningful, not-too-time-consuming, enjoyable career= Loving family, money, significant impact in the world= Happiness

It was not a tall order. I was not lacking ambition, and I definitely thought that I deserved to be happy. Don’t we all?

When I met my husband I felt so at ease with him. We dated for three years before we got engaged and four years before we got married. I was absolutely in love with him and had no doubts about wanting to spend the rest of my life with my best friend. But as soon as the honeymoon we were beginning to see signs of a problem that soon escalated and became the catalyst for our separation and pending divorce.

As our problems continued to escalate there was a constant ping pong match going on in my mind between blaming him because he was no longer appreciative, supportive, understanding, loving- and blaming myself because I was simply not content to be happily married to the man I adored. Something was missing. I felt like a shadow of myself. I started to ask myself some questions that I thought were negligible… since I was afraid to hear the “truth”. Why was this happening to me? Why was this happening to us? Was I depressed? Was there something wrong with me? Would I need to be put on antidepressants because I felt isolated and passionless about everything and everyone?

My chronic discontent was haunting me, it was bottomless and no matter how I tried to fill it the fix was only temporary. Nothing could convince me that medication was the solution. Was I in denial?

And then some earth shattering questions hit me. Who was I? Why was I here? What did God want from me? Was God punishing me? Was I not worthy of love? Was I not worthy of happiness?

I was searching for answers, searching for God. Going back to my formula I looked at the next logical step- work on my career. I thought if I could be happy, then my partner would be happy and if we were happy then our marriage, our home would be happy again.

At some point I began to dream of a little girl who was waiting for me to birth her into this world. As I thought of her I pondered the kind of mother I wanted her to have. I wanted to be strong for her and for the little brother that I hoped to bear after her. I wanted to infuse her with a strong belief in herself, with a deep connection to God and the Universe however she related to her creator. I wanted my children to experience from me unconditional love, something I had yet to experience within myself.

The unraveling of certain “truths” and assumptions, as I understand it, has been for me a slow and painful process. My search took me away from what I had built up in my quest for happiness and deeper into myself. When my husband left I realised, however hesitant I was to let go, that at this time this was a journey I had to make on my own.

I’ve spent months at an Ashram, met some amazing people, been led to a number of books by spiritual teachers who seem to walk the walk of freedom, and have had months to ponder all that has happened and all that is yet to be. Is there a formula for happiness? I don’t know, I haven’t found it yet or at least I have not recognised it as such. But what I have come to realise is the happiness, the freedom, the bliss that I am looking for is independent of external circumstances. It’s the kind that makes you feel completely loved, alive and connected to this Universe. I know it exists because I have had brief glimpses of it like some heavenly dream while doing the most random things and it has never come because I have willed it into existence. It is simply some gift of divine grace. The job, the partner, the career, each one is wonderful accessory of happiness. But just to be happy, that’s all I ever wanted, that’s the greatest gift of all.

Friday, January 30, 2009

30th January 2009

The fight is leaving me
I am afraid of this new person
This new attitude
This new territory
I'm not sure where she'll take me
I'm not sure if I'll like her
If I can love her
I'm not sure I deserve this anymore

The fight is leaving me
I want someone in my life that touches me
I want someone in my life that celebrates me
Someone I can open myself up to
And spread myself out like a beautiful starlit sky

I want to be known
And rejoice in the knowing
No longer afraid that who I am
Who I am becoming in not acceptable
Is not good enough
I want someone who chooses me
Who chooses us
Who delights in my laughter
And yearns for my loving arms at night
Who holds me
Understands me
Gives to me
I am his queen
He is my lord

I'm thinking
I deserve
And yes I have made mistakes
Many, many mistakes
But the fight is leaving me
I grow weary of making my claims
I grow weary of stating my case
I grow tired of fighting someone who doesn't think I am worth it
I am tired of fighting myself

Sunday, January 25, 2009


Today I stood outside on the doorstep
watching the snow dislodge itself
from the comforting arms of mother sky
and surrender itself ever so gracefully to the cold earth.
I realised then the truth
that nature is the real teacher
and the greatest peace
the most valuable lesson that I could learn
was that of surrender to the greatest forces
that move the heavens and the earth
to bring me closer to the Divinity that is within me.
For I am the mother sky
I am each flake of snow
surrendering each doubt, each fear of the unknown
of the past
of uncertainty.
I am the cold earthly grave
lying with open arms
embracing all that was
all that is
and all that is yet to come.


Return to the flame
the laughing wind
the bubbling ocean
the dancing sunlight

Return to my embrace
For I am within you
And I am with you


Friday, January 9, 2009


Today I'm planting a new garden
I dug up the earth a little to let it breathe
I planted my bulbs
Took a little water and moistened it with tears
Added a few kisses from the warm winter sun
Now I wait
Now I wait

3 Months

It's been three months
I wake up and still feel as if I've been blindsided by a train
The nights are the hardest
I'm not even sure why
Perhaps its because I no longer have you laying by my side

I look back and I don't know what to believe anymore
Nothing makes sense
How could I be so foolish?
How could I be so blind?
Were you trying to tell me ever so subtly all along?

I wish I could erase you from my mind
Erase you and all that we had
All that we had built
Then maybe I could find some peace

In the end I'm just a fading photograph of someone you loved

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

A New Understanding

"For what it’s worth, it’s never too late, or in my case too early, to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit... start whenever you want... you can change or stay the same. There are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. I hope you see things that stop you. I hope you feel things that you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life that you’re proud of and if you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again."
-Benjamin Button
"The Curious Case of Benjamin Button"

Words are a haven for me and then a hell. Sometimes I find myself rummaging in the dark desperately trying to find the off switch or pause button so these words which keep tumbling down down down or piling up up up don't drown me in the process of "understanding".

Only a few moments ago, I was convinced that the reason that I have been at such a loss of words for the past six or seven years of my life is because I lost a part of myself. Now I realise that this in not entirely true. Yes I have lost a part of myself. I thought that in order to receive love- you know the fairytale kind, the real thing- you had to give all of yourself- heart, body, mind and soul. But in the end you realise, and it's always at the end that you come to this realisation, when that lover has gone or is in the process of leaving, that you haven't left much for yourself, you don't know who you are, what you want, what makes you happy and where you're going. You've cheated yourself.

In the same breath I have to say that there are some things in life that you experience that words just cannot describe, like falling in love. Now that tragedy has reached with its unrepentant hand to touch my life I realise that words are all I have and I swing like a pendulum from gratitude to anger to resentment to contentment- how fickle these emotions are, how passionate these words the tools I use to find some sure footing when I feel like I have been floating through time and space with little to no clue.

Sometimes I prefer the silence, the solitude, the vastness of something beautiful and bigger than me. This is my escape. But each day teaches me, each day unravels me, my preconceptions, my misconceptions, opening me to different experiences, helping me discard all that use to tie, bind me and box me in to a certain experience, a certain life. There is so much there that the eye can take in. My soul whispers that life is the adventure and there is only so much time.