Friday, January 30, 2009

30th January 2009

The fight is leaving me
I am afraid of this new person
This new attitude
This new territory
I'm not sure where she'll take me
I'm not sure if I'll like her
If I can love her
I'm not sure I deserve this anymore

The fight is leaving me
I want someone in my life that touches me
I want someone in my life that celebrates me
Someone I can open myself up to
And spread myself out like a beautiful starlit sky

I want to be known
And rejoice in the knowing
No longer afraid that who I am
Who I am becoming in not acceptable
Is not good enough
I want someone who chooses me
Who chooses us
Who delights in my laughter
And yearns for my loving arms at night
Who holds me
Understands me
Gives to me
I am his queen
He is my lord

I'm thinking
I deserve
And yes I have made mistakes
Many, many mistakes
But the fight is leaving me
I grow weary of making my claims
I grow weary of stating my case
I grow tired of fighting someone who doesn't think I am worth it
I am tired of fighting myself

Sunday, January 25, 2009


Today I stood outside on the doorstep
watching the snow dislodge itself
from the comforting arms of mother sky
and surrender itself ever so gracefully to the cold earth.
I realised then the truth
that nature is the real teacher
and the greatest peace
the most valuable lesson that I could learn
was that of surrender to the greatest forces
that move the heavens and the earth
to bring me closer to the Divinity that is within me.
For I am the mother sky
I am each flake of snow
surrendering each doubt, each fear of the unknown
of the past
of uncertainty.
I am the cold earthly grave
lying with open arms
embracing all that was
all that is
and all that is yet to come.


Return to the flame
the laughing wind
the bubbling ocean
the dancing sunlight

Return to my embrace
For I am within you
And I am with you


Friday, January 9, 2009


Today I'm planting a new garden
I dug up the earth a little to let it breathe
I planted my bulbs
Took a little water and moistened it with tears
Added a few kisses from the warm winter sun
Now I wait
Now I wait

3 Months

It's been three months
I wake up and still feel as if I've been blindsided by a train
The nights are the hardest
I'm not even sure why
Perhaps its because I no longer have you laying by my side

I look back and I don't know what to believe anymore
Nothing makes sense
How could I be so foolish?
How could I be so blind?
Were you trying to tell me ever so subtly all along?

I wish I could erase you from my mind
Erase you and all that we had
All that we had built
Then maybe I could find some peace

In the end I'm just a fading photograph of someone you loved

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

A New Understanding

"For what it’s worth, it’s never too late, or in my case too early, to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit... start whenever you want... you can change or stay the same. There are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. I hope you see things that stop you. I hope you feel things that you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life that you’re proud of and if you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again."
-Benjamin Button
"The Curious Case of Benjamin Button"

Words are a haven for me and then a hell. Sometimes I find myself rummaging in the dark desperately trying to find the off switch or pause button so these words which keep tumbling down down down or piling up up up don't drown me in the process of "understanding".

Only a few moments ago, I was convinced that the reason that I have been at such a loss of words for the past six or seven years of my life is because I lost a part of myself. Now I realise that this in not entirely true. Yes I have lost a part of myself. I thought that in order to receive love- you know the fairytale kind, the real thing- you had to give all of yourself- heart, body, mind and soul. But in the end you realise, and it's always at the end that you come to this realisation, when that lover has gone or is in the process of leaving, that you haven't left much for yourself, you don't know who you are, what you want, what makes you happy and where you're going. You've cheated yourself.

In the same breath I have to say that there are some things in life that you experience that words just cannot describe, like falling in love. Now that tragedy has reached with its unrepentant hand to touch my life I realise that words are all I have and I swing like a pendulum from gratitude to anger to resentment to contentment- how fickle these emotions are, how passionate these words the tools I use to find some sure footing when I feel like I have been floating through time and space with little to no clue.

Sometimes I prefer the silence, the solitude, the vastness of something beautiful and bigger than me. This is my escape. But each day teaches me, each day unravels me, my preconceptions, my misconceptions, opening me to different experiences, helping me discard all that use to tie, bind me and box me in to a certain experience, a certain life. There is so much there that the eye can take in. My soul whispers that life is the adventure and there is only so much time.