Wednesday, January 7, 2009

A New Understanding

"For what it’s worth, it’s never too late, or in my case too early, to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit... start whenever you want... you can change or stay the same. There are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. I hope you see things that stop you. I hope you feel things that you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life that you’re proud of and if you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again."
-Benjamin Button
"The Curious Case of Benjamin Button"

Words are a haven for me and then a hell. Sometimes I find myself rummaging in the dark desperately trying to find the off switch or pause button so these words which keep tumbling down down down or piling up up up don't drown me in the process of "understanding".

Only a few moments ago, I was convinced that the reason that I have been at such a loss of words for the past six or seven years of my life is because I lost a part of myself. Now I realise that this in not entirely true. Yes I have lost a part of myself. I thought that in order to receive love- you know the fairytale kind, the real thing- you had to give all of yourself- heart, body, mind and soul. But in the end you realise, and it's always at the end that you come to this realisation, when that lover has gone or is in the process of leaving, that you haven't left much for yourself, you don't know who you are, what you want, what makes you happy and where you're going. You've cheated yourself.

In the same breath I have to say that there are some things in life that you experience that words just cannot describe, like falling in love. Now that tragedy has reached with its unrepentant hand to touch my life I realise that words are all I have and I swing like a pendulum from gratitude to anger to resentment to contentment- how fickle these emotions are, how passionate these words the tools I use to find some sure footing when I feel like I have been floating through time and space with little to no clue.

Sometimes I prefer the silence, the solitude, the vastness of something beautiful and bigger than me. This is my escape. But each day teaches me, each day unravels me, my preconceptions, my misconceptions, opening me to different experiences, helping me discard all that use to tie, bind me and box me in to a certain experience, a certain life. There is so much there that the eye can take in. My soul whispers that life is the adventure and there is only so much time.

1 comment:

Thank you for posting. Your comments mean a lot to me!