Tuesday, September 29, 2009


Sleep threatens
This Will knows not surrender
but has found a resource and will feed.
I am caught between losing and finding.
I am caught in heaven, in hell.

my weariness betrays me.
Unable to resist
I slip into the vastness,
I am overcome.

In the silence
Something stirs.
A flash of recognition flutters on the surface.
The body shudders,
The heart squeezes its protest.

Nothing has changed.

The days and nights grow colder now,
They shape shift fast and slow.
I a lonesome pilgrim
Reaching for your turned face,
Standing behind closed doors.

I will not run this time.

I meet the dawn with eyes closed,
Let her veil slip into place,
Embrace the darkness
Feel it transform to a blazing red
and lift

with the effortless of feline grace.

The rising sun sets fire to the autumn leaves,
But they will not burn.
In blazed glory they dance instead
to a rhythm the ear cannot discern.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

The Unforgivable

I tread
into the barren bleakness,
into the scarred landscape
of the unforgivable.
Sometimes my body trembles,
my chest squeezes
the pain so unbearable
my body tingles in numbness.

The further I tread
the darker my sins,
the worst is yet to come.
This journey is killing me.
I find myself more loathsome,
more deplorable
than ever imagined.

A wave of pain washes over me,
I am paralysed.
I see you
I dream you
I see Myself.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Blanket of Numbness

I want to slip under the Blanket of Numbness.
I'm safe here,
Nothing can hurt me.
Nothing cold, or harsh, or painful can touch me.
There is no discomfort here
Instead, it's warm and embracing like my mother's arms as she cocoons me close to her bosom.
I am protected,
Life doesn't hurt so much.
My heart,
Doesn't hurt so much
And finally
I can surrender,
I can surrender,
to the wound less arms of sleep.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

The Ties That Bind

I made a new vow to myself. It was kind of an informal one but I want to honour it nonetheless. It was inspired by a series of random events but maybe nothing in life is random. It really became clear to me when reading the controversial "memoir" by James Frey "A Million Little Pieces". Transparency, how important to is to be honest and open to life in all of its shades if not with others, at least with yourself. It's a matter of life and death, at least it is for me.

For most of my life I've been running away from the darkness and running towards the light. In the darkness evil lurked, the ugly, the unimaginable, the repulsive, the forbidden. If I held on to the light then maybe it would obliterate (this is my new favourite word by the way) the darkness and everything unacceptable would just disappear. But nothing disappears because you ignore it, at least that's been my experience up to now.

So welcome to the new chapter. There will be some pretty heavy emotions here, some darkness, some feelings of despair and loneliness and depression, but there will be good feelings as well. There will be hope and laughter and childlike wonder at the world. So I'm trying to be honest here and I figure I'll begin where I'm most comfortable, the written word- because it is the most personal and the most accessible.

Here we go, don't be afraid of what you see or what you feel. I just want to let you know that here lies the ties that bind, our common thread, the web of human experience.

I want you to experience that huge sigh of relief that I feel when I realise, I am not alone.