Thursday, October 29, 2009

The Scavenger

I’ve spent the last few weeks roaming the fleshy corridors of my heart,
Listening to my footsteps echo past empty rooms,
Staring at the smeared remains of past transgressions
Scattered hopes like bits of charred glass.
Fearing a numbness threatening to take over
I ran
Looking for a friendly face, a soft kiss, a lover’s embrace
Searching for signs of life,
Leaving casualties moaning behind closed doors.
Yearning to feel whole again
(I pray god will forgive me)
I have wandered down many shadowed alleys.
All of this I’ve done running from you.
In the absence of light I scavenge the dying, the wounded for nourishment
My self-loathing writhing, a snake in my stomach.
In the silence,
I hear the call of something wild stir me from my dream walk.
Blood rushes in and I am
Empty and whole.
I follow,
Clutching at my chest in ragged anticipation
The promise of you stretched out like a beautiful dream
Right beyond my fingertips.


For a moment I turn from the aching flame that is my heart
And remember who I am,
An autumn leaf set ablaze by your golden kiss
Spiraling free in the chaotic rhythm of a playful gust,
My face turned towards your open door,
My heart full of laughter
Soft and light.
Let the old leaves fall away
Creating a bed for which I can lay my head
Before I wake again to walk barefoot on this pilgrim’s path.
You are the joy I cling to.
You are the eternity in which my soul rests.
Let no one disturb me while I’m in your presence.
Let the earth give homage to the river of life.
Let me pour out my insides so that only your sweet silence fills me.
I am the Lover
Undone by the sensuous promise of life.

For You

There is a song that sleeps inside of me,
Each yearning note stirs in the gentle pull of your presence.
I reach for you with my heart string
Weaving a spell,
Tuning myself to the note,
The melody
That will bind you to my side forever,
But your love cannot be bought or bargained for.
You are Freedom
Fluttering from host to host,
Bound by Nothing and No one,
Ever elusive as I grow desperate with need.
You are the Lover,
I cannot claim you as mine own
Less I crush those fragile wings
And turn your love to a powdery dust.
So I call into the silence,
Into the twilight of my soul’s longing
My hands always reaching,
My heart opening,
Opening again,
My feet tapping to the rhythm of the heart string.
I wait for you.

One Sweet Whisper

You’ve made me impossible to live with,
Just one sweet whisper and I am
Longing for you

Red Delicious

Your leaves are red delicious,
Frosted with fine mist from the
Autumn air.
My mouth
Lips open
My soul eager to gobble you up.

The Devotee

You must know I’m surrendering myself to
whatever may be,
Simply because I want to feel
the flower that is my heart bloom under your attentive gaze,
Find comfort in the warmth of your body entangled in mine,
Relish the bruise on my lips from your eager kisses.
I try to defend myself
Your words silken ribbons binding your heart to mine.
You want me naked and trembling before you,
Your love a lion licking its lips,
Threatening to devour me whole.
I the devotee
Meditating on delicious thoughts of a you and me.

He's Only Happy

He’s only happy when he’s
Ripping apart
The tender shoots of my
Newly rooted heart.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Warning Broken People Break Things

I think that life should come with a warning tag that says,
“Broken People Break Things”
Then maybe I would have known when His brother died
That it wasn’t for me to fix.

I once believed that time and god and love would heal all open wounds.
I once trusted in promises of love, marriage vows, the fruits of sacrifice and piousness.
I’ve always had faith in the impossible, the unseen,
I wanted to believe that someone could see me and love me for me.

Now my heart lies open
The soft stuffing scattered,
A button or two missing,
The thread coming apart at the seams,
It’s my fault for wearing my heart on my sleeve.
It seems life is messy and nothing is as I’d hoped it would be.

And suddenly You are here,
Wanting more than I can give.
You are armed with Your
Delicate hands,
A needle and matching thread,
Ready to repair any damage done,
'Cause I’m broken.

But this time I think I know
It’s not for you to fix.
This time I think I know that
Nothing you do or say can make me whole again
And for a moment I know what it’s like to be free.

Monday, October 26, 2009


Today the process of living is too painful.
I’ve tried to push you
Out of my thoughts,
Out of my life,
And move from that place of broken-ness to a space of
Healing and
But on days like this whatever progress I've made seems premature.

It’s been a year and I’m angry.
The pain of what happened between us racks my body so that I become
limp and cold and
welcome numbness.
I am tired of hurting.
I am tired of pain.
Your apologies are an insult to me because they seem empty and insincere.
You aren’t sorry.
You don’t even know what you’ve done.

There is someone new who chooses me,
That wants to me in their life.
But he is where we began and,
Talk of you,
Thoughts of you do not allow any space for something new
Though I had hoped by now I would have accepted the end of us.
The question remains,
Did you ever love me?
And then all the others come pouring over me-
Who should I have been,
What should I have done to make you love me?

You treat me like some unsettled dust that you need to sweep under the rug,
A business transaction gone wrong.
After six and a half years I have to look at myself and wonder what you see
That makes you think that I deserve all of this.
What makes me so Hateful and
and Unsightly
That you think you can treat me with such callous disregard?

“It was all a mistake” you say, of that you are sure.
These are your “sensitive” words for a difficult time,
As you take a minute out of your hectic schedule for the tragedy of a girl you once “loved”.
As for me I don’t know what to believe anymore.
I don’t trust my eyes,
my ears,
my heart
or my skin,
For all were convinced of your love and in turn loved you.

I search for myself everywhere but I am lost,
What is this life for?
Where do I begin?

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Season of Dying

The world is spinning again
I want to get off!
The colours, sights and sounds slosh together like bile
in the pit of my stomach,
at the back of my throat.
I take a deep breath,
Try to find my centre
But all I have are gaping holes.
I apply pressure to the open wounds,
Hoping to stem the leaking of my soul onto this haunted wasteland,
Where memories of our love wander without restraint.
There is no hope for me here.

I do not have the strength to seek the Lover,
I do not have the heart to meet the Friend.
This bloody pump is crushed beyond salvation,
Burnt from the inside out.
I watch as the autumn wind scatters it's ashes
like fallen leaves.
I cannot remember wholeness,
My thoughts stumbling like broken teeth from a decaying mouth.
I am just a shadow of the Summer sun,
I tire of this season of dying.
I want to come home to you again,
I want to come home.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

You Are Here Again

Somehow while I was sleeping,
You crept into the space that is my heart
And lifted the frantic fog that separated
Me from You.
Emerging from a drugged nothingness
I felt the speckled sunlight dance in me,
through me,
The leaves giggling excitedly,
The blue sky open
Lounging peacefully above us all.
An open door
A catch
His love a string pulling
Unraveling my quivering heart.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009


I haven't yet forgiven myself for the pain I have caused you.

I haven't yet let go of the shame of you leaving me behind.

I haven't yet recovered from the declaration that some things are worth fighting for,

But I am not.

I keep hoping that you are wrong.

I keep waiting for someone to prove you wrong.

What a fool.

I Hope That's Ok

I keep thinking that it's all my fault,
I should have given you a reason to stay.
Had I been someone else
You might have been able to love me.
Why couldn't I have been that someone else?

Sometimes I can't even look at myself in the mirror;
I can't see
What you once saw in me.
It's no wonder I hide away from the world
I don't feel that I deserve to taste that one sweet love

You don't call anymore.
You said you loved me Once
But you don't
My heart an overburdened sky,
Blackened with a grief so terribly mind numbing.

I want to say that I've changed but
I'm still wandering,
Still dreaming,
Still struggling to breath.

I just wanted to say that I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I hope that's ok.

Wrestling With Demons

Look at me,
I'm human.
I've made decisions that I have to live with.
Your judgments so quick
They slash away at the soft flesh that is my heart.
Forgive me for being so tender-headed,
These are wounds that run deep.
They scab but your clawed words pick away at the surface
Before they've had time to heal.
Had I found peace within myself we wouldn't be having this conversation.
But I wrestle nonetheless with these demons
I call my own.

Thursday, October 1, 2009


When I am with you I am
Empty and Whole.
Like a dragonfly
I fall into rhythm with the whispering leaves.
I watch as they spiral with muted grace
Down the pilgrim's path
Leading me
to you.

The End of An Era

Inside of me
I feel this love dying.
In it's place
A slow and painful withdrawing of the senses:

I scramble into the lap of the Eternal Mother,
Press her browning leaves against my grief-stained face,
Stumble to catch the last rays of this fading sun,
The warmth of Summer

Should My Heart Have Lips

Should my heart have lips,
a soft open mouth
it would say,
"Come back to me,
I love you still."
But these hands,
these eyes,
this tongue has tasted
a vastness,
a richness,
an emptiness so soul-filling

there are no words here...

I shall continue this journey
Whether or not we live or die.
I will remember wholeness.
I choose life.