Sunday, November 21, 2010

Sunday Nov. 21st 2010

I stared into the Emptiness
Thought it time
Soon enough,
For my death
A hopeless existence ravaged by a past I cannot salvage
No matter how much I bargain
No matter how much I repent.
I was sure
That all hope was lost
All love was lost
All happiness
All freedom
And my worthiness of such precious “gifts”
Gone the day Everything I Thought I Had
All that I thought I’d built
I was wrong.

I stared into the Unquestioned
Waiting for the vastness to swallow me whole
Waiting for the coldness to rattle me numb
The weight of it all compressing me deeper and deeper into the seat of my being
The weight of it all hollowing
Filling me instead with a lingering sweetness
Inside of me
A flower that I crush against my cheek
The scent nourishes me
A seed planted deep in my womb
Inside of me
An open sky
The scent of the ocean
The sunlight on my skin
Love (again)
Inside of me
Dreams upon Dreams
Moonlit caresses
You holding me

I carry the Universe inside this being
I carry the Universe inside of me
Feel freedom’s flight through a bird’s wing
I know
It‘s all here
Inside of me.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

This Love is All Me

This love is a vessel that beats inside of me
It never leaves
It moves where I move
It breathes where I breathe
And though you have chosen a life without me
This love chooses me
Nurtures me
Sustains me
And though you have chosen a life without me
This love/ Your love still flourishes
The flora and fauna of my being
It cannot die
There is no end and no beginning
There is no less and no more
There is only a love that lasts for all time
Changing shape and changing face
Demanding nothing of me
This loves fills the silence between us with things like
Compassion and
This love says it’s okay that we are over
I only want you to be happy
I only want the best for you whatever that may be
This love does't understand words like
This love says that This is enough
That I Am Enough
That indeed I have everything I could ever need
You can’t touch this love
You can’t deny me this love
This love is all me
This love is all

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Declaration of Independence

I am

I am
Fleshy Lips
Protruding Hips
Thick Thighs
Narrow Waist

My hair curls rebelliously against my efforts to follow the
Straight and Narrow
Beautiful Ebony
Black Hair/Weave
Strong Sistas

I prefer Joan Osborne to
Aretha Franklyn
Alanis Morissette to
Indie Arie
but I love me some Lauren Hill

I wear Aeropostale
Forever 21
Charlotte Russe
No Sean Jean
Babyfat or
House of Dereon

I like
Hispanic boys
slanted eyes
curly hair
dark skin

My grandmother is half Portuguese
Half Indian
Even she is a part of me

I eat
but consume no flesh
no meat

What part of me do you find discomforting?
What part of me should I ignore for the sake of your sanity,
for the sake of your acceptance

This is me
This is who I am
Listen if you can to my voice,
There is only one.

Sunday, October 31, 2010


So here we are. I know I've abandoned the blog for months now but here are some updates!
I moved again farther north and into the cold =(
I'm job hunting again-ugh!
Finally decided to get myself together and go back to school, hoping to start some courses in January.
I actually miss CT a bit, especially the field near our old apartment complex and taking long walks with Elvis watching Fall creep into Winter, and the people at work =(
I'm volunteering at a Medical Center starting next week- scary but cool!
I starting doing Yoga again- yaaay!
I'm getting stronger, moving on with life and getting healthier than I've been for a while.
I'm inspired to write and share again- sorry no poetry yet but hopefully soon.

I think that's pretty much it. Exciting right lol

Lots of love,

Friday, May 14, 2010

Hit and Run

This is a hero’s journey
You wake
Your eyes not seeing,
Only seeing what you want
Cannot have
For now.
You force yourself to wait for happiness one more day.
You force yourself to be ok
Always until…

There’s an awareness,
A fullness
The promise of new beginnings all around,
But you‘re shivering in a chill of winter
Left behind.
The power of positive thinking does not numb This
Does not flood this pain
This pain demands you
Be Here Now.
This pain
Warps your body into fetal position
Slices you raw
Love may be a hit and miss but this pain
This pain is a hit and run.

Friday, April 30, 2010

Into You

There is a feeling beneath the sadness
Behind the restlessness
The heart no longer frantic finds a steady rhythm in it's glass-like chamber
And sets a new pace.
Silence trembles that translucent barrier that separates
You from me.

To lift my weighted thoughts I attach them to birds wings and watch them soar high above me,
Higher than I ever could reach.

There is a place inside where things grow,
Try to grasp them too tightly and they'll slip from your hold.
Everything slips or
melts or
breaks or
fades away.
Everything sweet turns sour
Except for you,
Except for you.
You see me
And I
Melt into you.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Is This A Life?

I grow tired of this endless journey
Forgetting what it was I was searching for
Struggling to inhale
Drink up your golden suns strewn wildly across waves of soft green
Feel you thrumming
Tuning myself to your breath
Rubbing the sorrow from my eyes
Feeling always left behind-

Is this a life,
Me losing
Hopes dreams Love for anything
Existing only
Hoping to find
Waiting to feel
Wanting to breathe
Feeling instead

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

What Matters Most

I’m in love with your sleeping form,

The way your male perfection leans itself towards me

Sometimes reaching

Sometimes turning away.

You always want,

And it’s more than I can give

And it’s always now, on your terms

Later isn’t a part of your vocabulary.

I say it quietly

I scream at the top of my lungs

I’m losing any understanding

I lash out and I’m sorry

But you don’t listen,

You can’t even hear me.

You leave

For days

For weeks

For months

It’s taken some time but I’ve grown accustomed to sleeping alone;

There’s always someone else that can meet your needs better than I ever could.

Now you’re here,

And I guess that’s what matters most.

You find your way back to me in your own time,

It doesn’t make me love you any less.

I don’t know what it is some nights that makes you wanna stay


With me.

I watch you intently every time you sigh and shift,

Wondering what I will do this time to make you leave.

Here I am treading water

Keeping these aftershocks of emotions in check

Trying to meet the terms and conditions

Of a love that is as often withheld as it is freely given.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Saying Our Goodbyes

What I miss most is
The tender way you’d look at me in some random moment,
Or reach for me as if you were reminding yourself that I was real
And that I was here for you,
The way you’d cradle my head when it was hurting
Or watch me with a certain aroused wonder as I dressed for work.
I wish I could retire to those hours when you curled your wiry body around mine
Relying on my warm flesh to revive cold limbs and a doubting heart
Or when you opened up your grief like a doorway
Letting me glimpse a shadow of your beloved soul
That which I adored so much
I’d always complain to you when you hogged all the water in the shower
That you seemed like an only child who didn’t know how to share
Gone are those days when we’d skip holding hands down that dark road
Leaving but always returning to the home that we had nurtured together
Gone are those days when you’d carry me on your back around the house weightless of worry and full of laughter,
Filled to the brim with love
Instead I find myself standing by the gravesite of a loved one and a life that I will never be able to recover
It all seems like some vague dream from some time long, long ago
I am hollowed in my grief
But not gutted by it the way I once was when the world revolved around,
When everything I was revolved around
I suppose I have you to thank for that.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

It's Funny

It’s funny
That you make happiness so simple:
A patch of sunlight by the window,
The scent of Jasmine tea silently brewing next to me,
A secret knowing smile that says
I can’t wait to see your face when you find out what I have in store for you…

You Better Not Wander Too Far From Me

I want you to know that you’ve created a monster.
Suddenly I’ve known you and now I’m making demands
Not silent desperate pleas.
You better not wander too far from me
Or I might start embarrassing the both of us and making a scene.

You're Not Allowed to Leave This Time

You’re not allowed to leave this time
Not even when the sun is gone and the shadows of winter begin to deepen
Taking hostage of the rugged landscape that is my heart,
Not even when I look into the mirror and find all these reasons why
I do not deserve this simple happiness that you grant me anew
Each morning as I raise my unruly heart from your silken embrace.
Remember your deal with me,
Remember your promise.
Dark days are gathering in the distance
And I’ll need you more than ever
(I need you now more than ever)
And I cannot exist without the guarantee that you will never leave my side
I will not.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

The Fullness of You

I don't have the words today to measure the fullness
To describe the heaviness that suffocated
The anxiousness that fluttered frantically
The sadness that blurred my senses so that You remained always so far
So far from my grasp.

I don't know what You whispered to me while I slept,
What gave me the strength to burrow through the weight of all that
I should be
Could be
Would be
if I had the common sense to try.

But being inside of you,
I was emptied of the multitude of questions that threaten to bury me in my grief, disappointment and anger.
Being inside of you,
I was emptied of ambition and longing, and that eternal quest of seeking seeking seeking
Something out there,
Something beyond my reach.
I am here,
You are too.

Being inside of you,
I found instead the miracle of laughter curling in the back of my throat
Bubbling and effervescent in my chest
And I call it a miracle because nothing has changed
No solution has been found.
I haven't become all that I want to be.

So today is a miracle
I choose Joy over truth,
Laughter over the unanswered question,
Dancing over the constant debate over who is right and who is wrong.
I don't have any answers and I don't know what tomorrow will bring.
I have found my path,
and the path, the way
It's in the fullness of you.