Thursday, January 23, 2014

The Eye of the Storm

Do you feel that,
The eye of the storm?
Is there a safer place?
Another place I could call home?
Why do I run then
From the silence,
From the emptiness
From the void that is everything and
What answers will I find?
What changes must be made to soothe the
Parched lips of my soul?
What lies of complacency will come undone,
Once I realize I am whole?

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

What Divine Mystery?

Your eyes are the kind that delve into me
Caressing the leaflets of my soul like some sacred text
You see me and
I am beautiful
(every inch of me, every piece of me, every jagged, slivered shard)

What divine mystery prompts you to open me like that
Touch me like that
See my strength
My fragility and
With reverence kiss the tenderness that is my heart?

What divine mystery prompts you to cradle so reverently
Each of my doubts, fears and sorrows
So that they wither and fade to dust?

Instead I am awakened
Each nerve ending renewed
You are inside of me and
I am inside of you

Monday, January 13, 2014


This wanting is a sickness
A madness eating away at sleep
A rapid decline into a wasteland of need
My heart burns with its own desires and intentions
In spite of my pleas

Friday, January 10, 2014

The Return of Love

For months
I had been waiving my love like a silent flag of surrender
Hoping it would return to me in the form of your
Undivided attention
For months
I had been counting down the many reasons I didn't deserve
Couldn't afford
Wouldn't be able to live up to
The kind of affection I have craved
And now the love returns
I could have waited for you
It would have been dark and rich and sweet
Scalding your tongue
The kind of love that you feel warming your insides
Melting away all that makes you numb
And now this love returns to  me
I think myself weak for not being able to let go
I think myself strong for being able to hold on
My heart is not fickle but weaves with a kind of intricacy
and slow anticipation
a web of strong, secure connection
But now the love returns to me
And instead of empty I am full again
Instead of numb
Tears spring to my eyes
A kind of sad acceptance but not despair
Instead I am returning the love that belongs to me
Fuller yes
Always full of hope.

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

New Year, More Posts?

Hello 2014!
It's been a while, so forgive me for the clumsiness of this post.
I want to say that this year brings with it the promise of more posts to come, but I know how life can get during the semester. Sometimes things are so hectic I hardly have time to process how I feel or what I think, let alone breathe. For now I can say it is nice to be back.

I started the New Year with the family that I love so much. Spending time with them is always a bit of a rollercoaster ride. On the one hand I feel so loved and cherished, welcomed and seen. They remind me that I have gifts to give to the world and I am eager to share them. They appreciate what little knowledge I have attained and ask my advice, they see a beauty in me as a person that I often lose sight of when I am on the daily grind. Through this, the food, the hugs, the kisses, the laughter, even the disagreements, I feel their love, I feel strengthened, I feel renewed.

Somehow in their eyes I feel I am bigger and better than I often imagine myself to be. They have such faith in the things that I doubt and question about myself everyday. Will I make it into the physical therapy program? Do I have what it takes to be a strength and conditioning coach? Should I continue to make time for dance or am I just wasting time? Am I stupid if I don't get all A's this semester? Am I worthy of love and will I ever find someone who is as committed and passionate as I am? Should I write? Does anyone care whether I write or not? Am I too sensitive? Am I too cynical? Am I too much of an introvert? Am I pretty enough, smart enough, fit enough, creative enough, disciplined enough?

I am lucky to have them. Without even expressing the plague of emotions that sweep through me from time to time they provide that acknowledgement, that support, that love. Leaving them to return to this place I now call home, I feel a deep despondency hit me. Perhaps this is what empty nest syndrome feels like, a house once full now feels empty and I am empty with it. Empty and questioning again, what is this life for?

It is not to say that everything is a bed of roses. With news of proposals, weddings, engagements, the purchasing of new houses, advancing and fulfilling careers, I can't help but be reminded of my failed marriage to my first love, my current singledom, my return to school to pursue an alternative career path and my inability to declare myself financially independent. My path thus far has been a series of winding wilderness where for others it would appear straight and narrow. I could argue that I have always been the wild card of the bunch but sometimes even this wild card wants something to call her own.

More soon on New Year's resolutions and other deep thoughts.

Always with love.