It's been a while, so forgive me for the clumsiness of this post.
I want to say that this year brings with it the promise of more posts to come, but I know how life can get during the semester. Sometimes things are so hectic I hardly have time to process how I feel or what I think, let alone breathe. For now I can say it is nice to be back.
I started the New Year with the family that I love so much. Spending time with them is always a bit of a rollercoaster ride. On the one hand I feel so loved and cherished, welcomed and seen. They remind me that I have gifts to give to the world and I am eager to share them. They appreciate what little knowledge I have attained and ask my advice, they see a beauty in me as a person that I often lose sight of when I am on the daily grind. Through this, the food, the hugs, the kisses, the laughter, even the disagreements, I feel their love, I feel strengthened, I feel renewed.
Somehow in their eyes I feel I am bigger and better than I often imagine myself to be. They have such faith in the things that I doubt and question about myself everyday. Will I make it into the physical therapy program? Do I have what it takes to be a strength and conditioning coach? Should I continue to make time for dance or am I just wasting time? Am I stupid if I don't get all A's this semester? Am I worthy of love and will I ever find someone who is as committed and passionate as I am? Should I write? Does anyone care whether I write or not? Am I too sensitive? Am I too cynical? Am I too much of an introvert? Am I pretty enough, smart enough, fit enough, creative enough, disciplined enough?
I am lucky to have them. Without even expressing the plague of emotions that sweep through me from time to time they provide that acknowledgement, that support, that love. Leaving them to return to this place I now call home, I feel a deep despondency hit me. Perhaps this is what empty nest syndrome feels like, a house once full now feels empty and I am empty with it. Empty and questioning again, what is this life for?
It is not to say that everything is a bed of roses. With news of proposals, weddings, engagements, the purchasing of new houses, advancing and fulfilling careers, I can't help but be reminded of my failed marriage to my first love, my current singledom, my return to school to pursue an alternative career path and my inability to declare myself financially independent. My path thus far has been a series of winding wilderness where for others it would appear straight and narrow. I could argue that I have always been the wild card of the bunch but sometimes even this wild card wants something to call her own.
More soon on New Year's resolutions and other deep thoughts.
Always with love.