tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19063795326553454342024-02-07T09:18:43.768-05:00A Journey Within"Use these words to change.
Be kind and honest, and harmful poisons will turn sweet inside you."
RUMIIWillChangeMyMindhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01101558249829531129noreply@blogger.comBlogger99125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1906379532655345434.post-79712746957901456552014-01-23T21:33:00.001-05:002014-01-24T00:44:14.213-05:00The Eye of the StormDo you feel that,<br />
The eye of the storm?<br />
Is there a safer place?<br />
Another place I could call home?<br />
Why do I run then<br />
From the silence,<br />
From the emptiness<br />
From the void that is everything and<br />
Nothing?<br />
What answers will I find?<br />
What changes must be made to soothe the<br />
Parched lips of my soul?<br />
What lies of complacency will come undone,<br />
Once I realize I am whole?IWillChangeMyMindhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01101558249829531129noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1906379532655345434.post-16530158788311880372014-01-15T21:07:00.000-05:002014-01-15T21:07:02.157-05:00What Divine Mystery?Your eyes are the kind that delve into me<br />
Caressing the leaflets of my soul like some sacred text<br />
You see me and<br />
I am beautiful<br />
(every inch of me, every piece of me, every jagged, slivered shard)<br />
<br />
What divine mystery prompts you to open me like that<br />
Touch me like that<br />
See my strength<br />
My fragility and<br />
With reverence kiss the tenderness that is my heart?<br />
<br />
What divine mystery prompts you to cradle so reverently<br />
Each of my doubts, fears and sorrows<br />
So that they wither and fade to dust?<br />
<br />
Instead I am awakened<br />
Each nerve ending renewed<br />
You are inside of me and<br />
I am inside of you<br />
<br />IWillChangeMyMindhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01101558249829531129noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1906379532655345434.post-88562899016016626752014-01-13T00:36:00.000-05:002014-01-13T00:36:05.104-05:00WantingThis wanting is a sickness<br />
A madness eating away at sleep<br />
A rapid decline into a wasteland of need<br />
My heart burns with its own desires and intentions<br />
Irreverent<br />
Unrepentant<br />
In spite of my pleas<br />
<br />IWillChangeMyMindhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01101558249829531129noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1906379532655345434.post-67656833338462503272014-01-10T12:30:00.000-05:002014-01-10T12:30:55.423-05:00The Return of LoveFor months<br />
I had been waiving my love like a silent flag of surrender<br />
Hoping it would return to me in the form of your <br />
Undivided attention<br />
For months<br />
I had been counting down the many reasons I didn't deserve<br />
Couldn't afford<br />
Wouldn't be able to live up to<br />
The kind of affection I have craved<br />
And now the love returns<br />
Unrequited<br />
I could have waited for you<br />
It would have been dark and rich and sweet<br />
Scalding your tongue<br />
The kind of love that you feel warming your insides<br />
Melting away all that makes you numb<br />
And now this love returns to me<br />
Unrequited<br />
I think myself weak for not being able to let go<br />
I think myself strong for being able to hold on<br />
My heart is not fickle but weaves with a kind of intricacy<br />
and slow anticipation<br />
a web of strong, secure connection<br />
But now the love returns to me<br />
Unrequited<br />
And instead of empty I am full again<br />
Instead of numb<br />
Tears spring to my eyes<br />
A kind of sad acceptance but not despair<br />
Instead I am returning the love that belongs to me<br />
Fuller yes<br />
Always full of hope.IWillChangeMyMindhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01101558249829531129noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1906379532655345434.post-30022443161357785782014-01-08T15:00:00.000-05:002014-01-08T15:00:25.012-05:00New Year, More Posts?Hello 2014!<br />
It's been a while, so forgive me for the clumsiness of this post.<br />
I want to say that this year brings with it the promise of more posts to come, but I know how life can get during the semester. Sometimes things are so hectic I hardly have time to process how I feel or what I think, let alone breathe. For now I can say it is nice to be back.<br />
<br />
I started the New Year with the family that I love so much. Spending time with them is always a bit of a rollercoaster ride. On the one hand I feel so loved and cherished, welcomed and seen. They remind me that I have gifts to give to the world and I am eager to share them. They appreciate what little knowledge I have attained and ask my advice, they see a beauty in me as a person that I often lose sight of when I am on the daily grind. Through this, the food, the hugs, the kisses, the laughter, even the disagreements, I feel their love, I feel strengthened, I feel renewed.<br />
<br />
Somehow in their eyes I feel I am bigger and better than I often imagine myself to be. They have such faith in the things that I doubt and question about myself everyday. Will I make it into the physical therapy program? Do I have what it takes to be a strength and conditioning coach? Should I continue to make time for dance or am I just wasting time? Am I stupid if I don't get all A's this semester? Am I worthy of love and will I ever find someone who is as committed and passionate as I am? Should I write? Does anyone care whether I write or not? Am I too sensitive? Am I too cynical? Am I too much of an introvert? Am I pretty enough, smart enough, fit enough, creative enough, disciplined enough?<br />
<br />
I am lucky to have them. Without even expressing the plague of emotions that sweep through me from time to time they provide that acknowledgement, that support, that love. Leaving them to return to this place I now call home, I feel a deep despondency hit me. Perhaps this is what empty nest syndrome feels like, a house once full now feels empty and I am empty with it. Empty and questioning again, what is this life for?<br />
<br />
It is not to say that everything is a bed of roses. With news of proposals, weddings, engagements, the purchasing of new houses, advancing and fulfilling careers, I can't help but be reminded of my failed marriage to my first love, my current singledom, my return to school to pursue an alternative career path and my inability to declare myself financially independent. My path thus far has been a series of winding wilderness where for others it would appear straight and narrow. I could argue that I have always been the wild card of the bunch but sometimes even this wild card wants something to call her own.<br />
<br />
More soon on New Year's resolutions and other deep thoughts.<br />
<br />
Always with love.<br />
<br />IWillChangeMyMindhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01101558249829531129noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1906379532655345434.post-58572346867373376002012-06-27T21:27:00.000-04:002012-06-27T21:27:14.824-04:00Willing and Able<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
I know you’ve been disappointed.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You feel like anyone you’ve ever loved has left you behind</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Fumbling in some awkward silence.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I came to tell you that the love inside of you will never
run out.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What you see with your eyes,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What you feel with your hands is the flowering of love</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Run your fingers across the soft green carpet</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Lie down in that grass</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Gaze as sunflowers do </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Raise your brilliant head to the sun</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But do not be fooled</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There is more</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Deep in the belly of the earth lies the seed of something
eternal.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Knock with soft slow steps upon its earthly door</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Take this pilgrimage with me</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When you feel the world is empty, dig deeper</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Trace the roots back to its origin</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There you will find the reflection of your beloved</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Press your head upon its chest</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Let your heart sync</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And when the time comes you will be willing and able.</div>IWillChangeMyMindhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01101558249829531129noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1906379532655345434.post-63669635915687687542012-06-03T20:08:00.000-04:002012-06-03T23:07:35.528-04:00Enlightenment<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am searching for ways to no longer Be</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Because Being is painful and </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Loving is painful and </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Wanting is painful and</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Losing even more so.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am beginning to understand what Hafez said when he speaks
of the lover’s hand</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Opening and closing</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Opening and closing</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This is my heart opening and closing</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Loving and then no longer wanting to love </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This is the Beloved giving and taking away</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This is you coming into my life with those blue eyes and
that silly grin</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This is you leaving me and the ghost of what we could have
been.</div>IWillChangeMyMindhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01101558249829531129noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1906379532655345434.post-33986245869970088402012-06-03T19:47:00.000-04:002012-06-03T19:47:31.705-04:00Leaving<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
There is a draft building up in my bones</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Grief slipping through the windows and doors</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You are leaving me behind</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
(Because the people who care the most are always the ones
that are left behind…)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I should have known by now that I always want more</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’ll take my axe and my pick and chip away until I can
gobble up your soul</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But you are leaving me behind</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And there is no more time to do all the things we wanted to do</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And there is no more time to become all the things I hoped
we would be</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And now we’ll never know</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And this grief-like chasm cracks me open and leaves me
exposed</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And now I must remember again what it is like to be alone.</div>IWillChangeMyMindhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01101558249829531129noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1906379532655345434.post-51450937062007492782012-06-03T19:46:00.000-04:002012-06-03T19:46:25.327-04:00The Thought of Losing You<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
The thought of losing you caused so much pain I wanted to
run from it</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I wanted instead to feel nothing</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To eat something</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To watch something</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To clean everything</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To talk</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To laugh</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To sing</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To dance</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To move away from the rawness of my heart </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To move away from the truth</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You are leaving</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My teacher told me that I am to sit with it</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am stubborn</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My teacher told me to sit in it</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Love is not possession</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My teacher told me to swim in it and so I swam into the inky
blackness </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Blind to an end and an outcome but hoping</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I swam</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The fire in my lungs burning away my tears</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I dove </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Deeper and deeper into the darkness </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I plunged</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Until there was </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Only light</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Only ribbons of sparkling water on the bed of the ocean</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
(A heart ripping open until there is no pain, no numbness,
no heart) </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Only me a crystal reflecting the sun</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Only me</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Only bliss</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Only love</div>IWillChangeMyMindhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01101558249829531129noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1906379532655345434.post-85784718844444636672012-05-17T22:28:00.000-04:002012-05-17T22:28:50.113-04:00Thoughts From Last Fall(Here is another scribble I found while uncluttering...(is that a word?)<br />
<br />
I am beginning to think that I am surrounded by sacred spaces even within the city itself. I am going to make an attempt to connect with them, observe, just absorb the hushed peace of my surroundings while being aware. I try to avoid other people and conversations in these spaces but I think that I must respect that even they are a part of this wilderness. As I reach out to nature, I feel her in turn reaching into me, through me. I don't want to forget this feeling, this hushed sacredness, this subtle language of the breaching of barriers. No longer closed I feel something within me open. Perhaps this is prayer, no pleas, no supplications, no demands, but beautiful communion with things seen and unseen. I can feel Fall approaching, cooler mornings, crisper breezes, leaves slowly being shed, whatever is no longer needed discarded leaf by leaf- transformation in the many faces of one tree. They say Fall will come early this year- we shall see. A bird came to peek curiously at me. I forgot to bring an offering. I hope to remember next time just to say, "Hello, I have missed you and I am happy to spend time with you again."<br />
I have seen butterflies, squirrels, birds that remind me of sparrows, spider webs and strange winged insects hovering near, bees busy over garbage cans, a man dancing while he swept leaves into piles by the church, a Native American in traditional dress walking through the mall with a Thank You plastic shopping bag.<br />
I turn to the Mother, "No messages for me today?"<br />
She says, "Bring me an offering the next time around. Listen, and discard what you no longer need. It is that time."<br />
<br />IWillChangeMyMindhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01101558249829531129noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1906379532655345434.post-76117922842777322022012-05-17T21:04:00.000-04:002012-05-17T21:04:33.642-04:00These Kings and Queens(This is an old poem I dug up while Spring cleaning my room- I kinda like its simplicity. Not sure when I wrote it...)<br />
<br />
These kings and queens
<br />carry within themselves<br />
something broken,<br />
cocooned within the secret tunnels<br />
of some unknown paradise.<br />
Such dirty pretty things<br />
cannot be mistaken as frivolous fantasies,<br />
but as the foundation of our essence<br />
our sanity<br />
our livelihood<br />
our dream.IWillChangeMyMindhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01101558249829531129noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1906379532655345434.post-56185647381580663982011-04-11T19:54:00.005-04:002011-05-07T19:48:20.643-04:00Write Me A PoemWrite Me A Poem:<br /><br />This morning I woke to the sound of birds singing<br />A text message from you at 3:45 saying nightie-night<br />The lips of spring lingering on the hard angles of my face<br />Happiness cracking me open like a surgeon preparing for a transplant on a heart that's too afraid to want anymore,<br />too afraid to dream anymore,<br />too afraid to climb the highest peaks of passion only to find that when I get to the top that I'm<br />Crashing<br />Free-falling<br />Ass-over-elbows,<br />Head-over-heals<br />Plummeting towards the surface of a heart that hasn't yet thawed to my delicate affections<br /><br />You see this is about connection for me<br />Hands on skin<br />Tongue in cheek<br />One part of you filling another part of me<br />Souls lying barer than bodies could ever be<br /><br />You see<br />"I am ready for love/ why are you hiding from me?"<br /><br />This <br />Is a warmth in my breast<br />That<br />Travels to my thighs <br />And <br />Lingers on my skin<br />And <br />Breathes in my chest<br />Singing, "You are a melody I don't want to forget"<br /><br />You see I want to breathe you<br />Curve my flesh around your limbs<br />I want to consume you<br />Dump the contents of this love on your lap for your inspection<br />Trace my lips down each vertebrae of your thoracic spine<br />Count the freckles on your nose, on your chin, around the corners of your eyes<br />Learn the blueprint of your soul<br />Fill the empty gaps of your grief with sunflowers and marigolds<br />Give me your dreams<br />Let me fold them up and set them a-flight on paper wings<br />Give me your songs<br />Let me learn the notes so I can attempt to harmonise and sing along<br />Give me your poems<br />Let me etch them with ragged stitching on my chest so that <br />every time I feel my loneliness gnawing at me from the inside out I can<br />retrace my steps to a love that doesn't demand that I <br />Be anyone<br />Be anything <br />Other than who I am because <br />Who I am has always been good enough<br />and Who I am will always be good enough<br />and Who I am never ceases to be good enough<br />(More than good enough) For you.IWillChangeMyMindhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01101558249829531129noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1906379532655345434.post-6215230997588361942011-02-03T15:04:00.000-05:002011-02-03T15:06:54.360-05:00Winter BlueThis winter blue I’m feeling<br />Has a monotonous beat.<br /><br />Between the notes I find <br />I lose <br />All sense of<br />Direction<br />But carry on<br /><br />One nameless face along the halls of my reflection,<br />One faceless wanderer shuffling carefully through the snow.IWillChangeMyMindhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01101558249829531129noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1906379532655345434.post-79963368390183830102011-01-22T09:31:00.006-05:002011-02-04T11:29:32.173-05:00I Am Enough...Aren't I?There is a certain variety store that I frequent right across from work if I have a break to grab a snack or get something to drink. The last couple of times I’ve been there I’ve felt both insulted and ignored. The first time I was roughly reprimanded for not having enough change to purchase a pack of Combos. I had a five dollar bill and the combos were about $1.65. The fact is that I didn’t have enough change but I was not about to defend myself over a five dollar bill. Here I was thinking really? How rude? The fact that I was shocked, highly insulted and angry at his behavior must have shown on my face because he forcefully explained that he was running out of singles and didn’t have much change. While I was infuriated because a) I would never treat a customer like that and b) I’m in that store at least once a week, I politely refused to purchase anything and quietly left.<br /><br />The second time I went to purchase a large bottle of water on behalf of my supervisor even though I was still quite infuriated about the way that I had been treated previously. This same cashier, who I think is also the owner, was counting out singles from the register (imagine that) and didn’t even look up to acknowledge me when I made the purchase. He just took the money and gave me change. Now I was willing to put the other day aside and say maybe he was having a really bad day, shoplifters or personal problems but twice in a row and he was more than beginning to rub me the wrong way.<br /><br />Writing about it now it seems like such a trivial matter but the fact is this whole incident left me feeling disturbed and highly upset. I mean you could have fried an egg on the top of my head I was steaming. What was it about me that gave him permission to treat me so disrespectfully and with such callous disregard? Was it the colour of my skin, the fact that I was female, or the fact that I still look between the ages of eighteen and twenty-one? What was the issue?<br /><br />I recounted this story to my sister and a fellow colleague of mine and while I tried to dismiss my feelings as the petty ramblings of a supersensitive soul, a bigger question began to eat away at my core. Why is this bothering me so much? I could just stop being a patron of the store and move on with my life. I mean if he was racist, prejudice or sexist, there was nothing I could do about it and it had nothing to do with me, right? As an individual I deserve respect, love, affection, and good customer service among other things, regardless of my age, race, gender and that is a fact. <br /><br />These pep talks were useful to a point, but a part of me somewhere deep inside couldn’t help but put a question mark after every affirmation. This is why positive affirmations don’t work on me. You tell me something positive to repeat to myself over and over like a mantra, and something inside of me will say really? Is that true? Dude, I’m not an f@#* idiot!<br /><br />Here’s an example:<br />Positive Affirmation: “I am enough”<br /><br />Inside voice: “Really? You dress like a teenager. You don’t take the time to take care of yourself. You eat too much chocolate. You waste money. You’re indecisive and scatter-brained. You have horrible time management skills and you’re too shy among other things. Plus you were acting like a total b!@tch to that guy the other day. You could really make more of an effort to work out and eat better…if you managed your time better you could probably get more done…you should make more of an effort at work, spend less money on crap and save blah blah blah blah…<br /><br />Need I say more?<br /><br />So, in effect, what the positive affirmation actually does is remind me of all the ways I’m flawed and provide me with “solutions”, or at least remind me of all the ways I should be working to make myself a better person and hence worthy of respect, praise, admiration, love and affection. Sounds perfectly normal right? Normal maybe but it’s what I’ve been doing my whole life, telling myself how I should feel instead of acknowledging what I am feeling; telling myself I need to be better, work harder, be faster, thick-skinned, stronger to be worthy of all what is already my birthright and you know what I’ve found? That this has been to date nothing but a pattern of counterproductive self-loathing that’s exhausting and uninspiring.<br /><br />What I’ve really been telling myself all of these twenty-six years, soon to be twenty-seven (God I’m getting old) is that I need to be perfect, or aiming towards perfection to be worthy of all that is good. But is that true? Is the constant movement toward perfection my sole or soul purpose in life? What do I do in the meantime while I’m imperfect? Do I just settle for whatever I get because I probably don’t deserve to be happy anyway seeing what a crappy human being I have a tendency of being? Do I just bargain my energy, my time, my strength, my “love” for whatever little piece of heaven I can get and hope that someone Suppose I never reach perfection? What then?<br /><br />That isn’t good enough for me, and that is not the definition of love that holds true for me. Love is that thing that liberates. It’s that unconditional love that doesn’t seem to exist in The Bible or in the kind of marriage vows that say to “love”, honor and obey until death do us part. <br /><br />“Love liberates. It doesn’t just hold-that’s ego. Love liberates. It doesn’t bind. Love says, “I love you. I would like to be near you. I’d like to have your arms around me. I’d like to hear your voice in my ear. But that’s not possible now, so I love you. Go.” – Dr. Maya Angelou<br /><br />“love does not mean surrendering, losing oneself; it is a call to ripen”- Kama Sutra: A Tale of Love (the movie)<br /><br />Love says, “You are not accidental. Existence needs you. Without you something will be missing in existence and nobody can replace it. That’s what gives you dignity, that the whole existence will miss you. The stars and sun and moon, the trees and birds and earth- everything in the universe will feel a small place is vacant which cannot be filled by anybody except you…”- Osho<br /><br />This is love for me. It says, I’m not asking you to be anyone, do anything, or go anywhere. I’m just so happy that you are here in this Universe, breathing air, walking around, eating, talking, sleeping, doing all of the things that you do. I’ve created a space especially for you and only you. The fact of the matter is that there is no one like you in this entire Universe and if you were gone all of creation would mourn and miss you. <br /><br />This alone is confirmation that I deserve love, respect, admiration, friendship and all things good and holy. Why? Because there is only one me. I am a child of the Universe. I am supposed to be here, doing this, walking, eating, laughing, sharing…being me, and if you don’t agree, if you don’t want to give me these things then you’re not supposed to, it's not your job too. <br /><br />"How do I know this is true?" Byron Katie's <strong>The Work</strong> might ask.<br /><br />Because you aren’t giving me these things, and I can't make you. I can't get inside of your head and change the way you think.<br /><br />And it’s a good dose of reality. It reminds me that I am looking in the wrong place for what I already have, and it has been painful, depressing and exhausting searching and searching for someone, anyone to take care of me, fill me, complete me, and make me whole. And silly me, I keep forgetting. I keep bouncing from wholeness to emptiness. I keep thinking I need and forgetting how much I already have. I keep forgetting that I am already all I need, even if there are people I want to know, places I want to go, and things I want to do. I am enough.<br /><br />I am enough, it's as simple as that.IWillChangeMyMindhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01101558249829531129noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1906379532655345434.post-71339769064394917192010-11-21T20:39:00.003-05:002010-11-21T21:54:58.260-05:00Sunday Nov. 21st 2010I stared into the Emptiness<br />Thought it time<br />Soon enough,<br />For my death<br />A hopeless existence ravaged by a past I cannot salvage<br />No matter how much I bargain<br />No matter how much I repent.<br />I was sure<br />That all hope was lost<br />All love was lost<br />All happiness<br />All freedom<br />And my worthiness of such precious “gifts”<br />Gone the day Everything I Thought I Had<br />and<br />All that I thought I’d built<br />Broke,<br />I was wrong.<br /><br />I stared into the Unquestioned<br />Waiting for the vastness to swallow me whole<br />Waiting for the coldness to rattle me numb<br />The weight of it all compressing me deeper and deeper into the seat of my being<br />The weight of it all hollowing<br />Shifting<br />Filling me instead with a lingering sweetness<br />Inside of me<br />Strength<br />Love<br />Peace<br />A flower that I crush against my cheek<br />The scent nourishes me<br />A seed planted deep in my womb<br />Here<br />Inside of me<br />An open sky<br />The scent of the ocean<br />The sunlight on my skin<br />Love (again)<br />Friendship<br />Laughter<br />Lust<br />Intrigue<br />Inside of me<br />Adventure<br />Passion<br />Dreams upon Dreams<br />Moonlit caresses<br />You holding me<br /><br />I carry the Universe inside this being<br />I carry the Universe inside of me<br />Feel freedom’s flight through a bird’s wing<br />I know<br />It‘s all here<br />Inside of me.IWillChangeMyMindhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01101558249829531129noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1906379532655345434.post-21258343370926023302010-11-18T23:02:00.002-05:002010-11-18T23:04:44.350-05:00This Love is All MeThis love is a vessel that beats inside of me<br />It never leaves<br />It moves where I move<br />It breathes where I breathe<br />And though you have chosen a life without me<br />This love chooses me<br />Nurtures me<br />Sustains me<br />And though you have chosen a life without me<br />This love/ Your love still flourishes<br />The flora and fauna of my being<br />It cannot die<br />There is no end and no beginning<br />There is no less and no more<br />There is only a love that lasts for all time<br />Changing shape and changing face<br />Demanding nothing of me<br />This loves fills the silence between us with things like<br />Compassion and<br />Understanding<br />This love says it’s <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-error">okay</span> that we are over<br />I only want you to be happy<br />I only want the best for you whatever that may be<br />This love does't understand words like<br />Abandoned<br />Alone<br />Discarded<br />Abused<br />This love says that This is enough<br />That I Am Enough<br />That indeed I have everything I could ever need<br />You can’t touch this love<br />You can’t deny me this love<br />This love is all me<br />This love is all<br />MeIWillChangeMyMindhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01101558249829531129noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1906379532655345434.post-8827324404016468682010-11-10T16:36:00.007-05:002010-11-10T17:15:32.223-05:00Declaration of IndependenceI am<br />Black<br />Caribbean<br />American<br />Woman<br /><br />I am<br />Fleshy Lips<br />Protruding Hips<br />Thick Thighs<br />Narrow Waist<br /><br />My hair curls rebelliously against my efforts to follow the<br />Straight and Narrow<br />Beautiful Ebony<br />Essence<br />Black Hair/Weave<br />Successful<br />Independent<br />Strong <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-error">Sistas</span><br /><br />I prefer Joan Osborne to<br />Aretha Franklyn<br /><span id="SPELLING_ERROR_1" class="blsp-spelling-error">Alanis</span> <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_2" class="blsp-spelling-error">Morissette</span> to<br />Indie Arie<br />but I love me some Lauren Hill<br /><br />I wear <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_3" class="blsp-spelling-error">Aeropostale</span><br />Forever 21<br />Charlotte <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_4" class="blsp-spelling-error">Russe</span><br />No Sean Jean<br /><span id="SPELLING_ERROR_5" class="blsp-spelling-error">Babyfat</span> or<br />House of <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_6" class="blsp-spelling-error">Dereon</span><br /><br />I like<br />Black<br />White<br />Chinese<br />Indian<br />Hispanic boys<br />slanted eyes<br />curly hair<br />freckles<br />dark skin<br /><br />My grandmother is half <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_7" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">Portuguese</span><br />Half Indian<br />Even she is a part of me<br /><br />I eat<br />eggs<br />cheese<br />milk<br />but consume no flesh<br />no meat<br /><br />What part of me do you find <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_8" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">discomforting</span>?<br />What part of me should I <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_9" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">ignore</span> for the sake of your sanity,<br />for the sake of your acceptance<br />approval<br />respect<br />love?<br /><br />This is me<br />This is who I am<br />Listen if you can to my voice,<br />There is only one.IWillChangeMyMindhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01101558249829531129noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1906379532655345434.post-58890091491729261622010-10-31T10:51:00.007-04:002010-10-31T11:42:47.878-04:00Updates!So here we are. I know I've abandoned the blog for months now but here are some updates!<br />I moved again farther north and into the cold =(<br />I'm job hunting again-ugh!<br />Finally decided to get myself together and go back to school, hoping to start some courses in January.<br />I actually miss CT a bit, especially the field near our old apartment complex and taking long walks with Elvis watching Fall creep into Winter, and the people at work =(<br />I'm volunteering at a Medical Center starting next week- scary but cool!<br />I starting doing Yoga again- yaaay!<br />I'm getting stronger, moving on with life and getting healthier than I've been for a while.<br />I'm inspired to write and share again- sorry no poetry yet but hopefully soon.<br /><br />I think that's pretty much it. Exciting right lol<br /><br />Lots of love,<br />CourtneyIWillChangeMyMindhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01101558249829531129noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1906379532655345434.post-64598314324144103402010-05-14T22:33:00.000-04:002010-05-14T22:34:45.323-04:00Hit and RunThis is a hero’s journey<br />Life.<br />You wake<br />Your eyes not seeing,<br />Only seeing what you want<br />But<br />Cannot have<br />For now.<br />You force yourself to wait for happiness one more day.<br />You force yourself to be ok<br />Until,<br />Always until…<br /><br />There’s an awareness,<br />A fullness<br />The promise of new beginnings all around,<br />But you‘re shivering in a chill of winter<br />Left behind.<br />The power of positive thinking does not numb This<br />Does not flood this pain<br />Out.<br />This pain demands you<br />Be Here Now.<br />This pain<br />Withers<br />Warps your body into fetal position<br />Slices you raw<br />Open<br />Exposed,<br />Love may be a hit and miss but this pain<br />This pain is a hit and run.IWillChangeMyMindhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01101558249829531129noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1906379532655345434.post-81113688889446009872010-04-30T11:44:00.002-04:002010-04-30T11:56:57.608-04:00Into YouThere is a feeling beneath the sadness<br />Behind the restlessness<br />The heart no longer frantic finds a steady rhythm in it's glass-like chamber<br />And sets a new pace.<br />Silence trembles that translucent barrier that separates<br />You from me.<br /><br />To lift my weighted thoughts I attach them to birds wings and watch them soar high above me,<br />Higher than I ever could reach.<br /><br />There is a place inside where things grow,<br />Try to grasp them too tightly and they'll slip from your hold.<br />Everything slips or<br />melts or<br />breaks or<br />fades away.<br />Everything sweet turns sour<br />Except for you,<br />Except for you.<br />You see me <br />And I <br />Melt into you.IWillChangeMyMindhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01101558249829531129noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1906379532655345434.post-17435935198630126212010-04-27T23:19:00.001-04:002010-04-27T23:22:07.145-04:00Is This A Life?I grow tired of this endless journey<br />Remembering<br />Forgetting what it was I was searching for<br />Struggling to inhale <br />Drink up your golden suns strewn wildly across waves of soft green<br />Feel you thrumming<br />Tuning myself to your breath<br />Rubbing the sorrow from my eyes<br />Emptiness<br />Feeling always left behind-<br /><br />Is this a life,<br />Me losing<br />Sensation<br />Hopes dreams Love for anything<br />Existing only<br />Always <br />Hoping to find<br />You<br />Waiting to feel <br />You<br />Wanting to breathe<br />You<br />Feeling instead<br />Abandoned<br />Alone<br />Discarded<br />Abused?IWillChangeMyMindhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01101558249829531129noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1906379532655345434.post-36667772804699171442010-04-06T00:46:00.002-04:002010-04-06T00:51:56.794-04:00What Matters MostI’m in love with your sleeping form,<br /><br />The way your male perfection leans itself towards me<br /><br />Sometimes reaching<br /><br />Sometimes turning away.<br /><br />You always want, <br /><br />And it’s more than I can give<br /><br />And it’s always now, on your terms<br /><br />Later isn’t a part of your vocabulary.<br /><br />I say it quietly<br /><br />I scream at the top of my lungs<br /><br />I’m losing any understanding<br /><br />I lash out and I’m sorry<br /><br />But you don’t listen,<br /><br />You can’t even hear me.<br /><br />You leave<br /><br />For days<br /><br />For weeks<br /><br />For months<br /><br />It’s taken some time but I’ve grown accustomed to sleeping alone;<br /><br />There’s always someone else that can meet your needs better than I ever could.<br /><br />Now you’re here,<br /><br />And I guess that’s what matters most.<br /><br />You find your way back to me in your own time,<br /><br />It doesn’t make me love you any less.<br /><br />I don’t know what it is some nights that makes you wanna stay <br /><br />Here <br /><br />With me.<br /><br />I watch you intently every time you sigh and shift,<br /><br />Wondering what I will do this time to make you leave.<br /><br />Here I am treading water<br /><br />Keeping these aftershocks of emotions in check<br /><br />Trying to meet the terms and conditions<br /><br />Of a love that is as often withheld as it is freely given.IWillChangeMyMindhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01101558249829531129noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1906379532655345434.post-25054152694208390382010-03-23T12:49:00.000-04:002010-03-23T12:50:53.858-04:00Saying Our GoodbyesWhat I miss most is <br />The tender way you’d look at me in some random moment,<br />Or reach for me as if you were reminding yourself that I was real<br />And that I was here for you,<br />The way you’d cradle my head when it was hurting<br />Or watch me with a certain aroused wonder as I dressed for work.<br />I wish I could retire to those hours when you curled your wiry body around mine<br />Relying on my warm flesh to revive cold limbs and a doubting heart<br />Or when you opened up your grief like a doorway <br />Letting me glimpse a shadow of your beloved soul<br />That which I adored so much<br />I’d always complain to you when you hogged all the water in the shower<br />That you seemed like an only child who didn’t know how to share<br />Gone are those days when we’d skip holding hands down that dark road <br />Leaving but always returning to the home that we had nurtured together<br />Gone are those days when you’d carry me on your back around the house weightless of worry and full of laughter,<br />Filled to the brim with love<br />Instead I find myself standing by the gravesite of a loved one and a life that I will never be able to recover<br />It all seems like some vague dream from some time long, long ago<br />I am hollowed in my grief<br />But not gutted by it the way I once was when the world revolved around,<br />When everything I was revolved around<br />You <br />Us<br />I suppose I have you to thank for that.IWillChangeMyMindhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01101558249829531129noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1906379532655345434.post-88374557956748834732010-02-21T10:28:00.000-05:002010-02-21T10:31:16.430-05:00It's FunnyIt’s funny<br />That you make happiness so simple:<br />A patch of sunlight by the window,<br />The scent of Jasmine tea silently brewing next to me,<br />A secret knowing smile that says<br />I can’t wait to see your face when you find out what I have in store for you…IWillChangeMyMindhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01101558249829531129noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1906379532655345434.post-21514754040211511792010-02-21T10:26:00.000-05:002010-02-21T10:28:31.030-05:00You Better Not Wander Too Far From MeI want you to know that you’ve created a monster.<br />Suddenly I’ve known you and now I’m making demands<br />Not silent desperate pleas.<br />You better not wander too far from me<br />Or I might start embarrassing the both of us and making a scene.IWillChangeMyMindhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01101558249829531129noreply@blogger.com0