Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Reconnecting-The Difference Between Living and Existing

I've been trying to sum up in one or two sentences the reason that I left my job. Was it because I felt unappreciated and underpaid? Was it because I simply didn't love what I was doing? Was it because the job had become too stressful and I no longer felt that it was worth killing myself over? There are many reasons to leave a job. I think my biggest reason was because I was tired of feeling so run down, of having such a half hearted atitude and living to work. What did my life outside of work consist of? And how could I let the demands of my job overrun my needs as an individual for relationships, leisure activities and something as simple as a descent home cooked meal?

I had stopped living my life and had relegated myself to a life where I merely existed outside of what I could accomplish within the work setting. I had allowed myself to accrue all of my feelings of self-worth to my role and accomplishments in the workplace. Can I blame anyone but myself?

So why did I leave?

I felt like my life force was slowly draining from me and I just wanted to feel alive again. I just wanted to feel like I was talented, creative, adventurous and beautiful. I wanted to feel like the sky was the limit to my potential. I wanted to feel connected again and peaceful and cherished and loved- not battered, run down and abused at the end of the day. And a lot of the way I was feeling has to do with me. What I choose to let in to my sanctuary and how I allow things to affect me.

How can I re-connect again? How can I feel alive again? How can I get back to me?

It's like I have to rediscover myself, celebrate my talents, abilities, gifts and accept the parts of me that need to change and grow. Such a simple formula right?

Then why does it seem so hard?

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