Sunday, December 21, 2008
She makes me feel the pain as something real
I try to numb her with
savory treats and
only to feel her shift restlessly
but not silenced
She will not leave me in peace
There is the rare occasion when I am strong enough to embrace her
She can grieve then with dignity
She can survive the barrenness of winter and hope for spring again
It's like trying to assimilate a foreign language
I grasp at the word but find it ever elusive
Always evading my short swollen hands
But spring seems so far
Too far from my freezing heart
I ice over again
She suffers alone
Her silent wails wake me in the early morning hours when it is still dark outside
Her snotty sobs slip me into an exhausted sleep at night
I am on the defence
I'm not strong enough for this
I'm not strong enough to take care of this withering, dependent, grieving child
I'm not ready to be a mother.
It's then I realise I suffer from a horrible affliction
An inability to nurture myself.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Always returning back to you
I sit on my knees trying to piece together the puzzle of my life
the puzzle of this broken mess
What am I to do with all of this new found freedom?
I risked everything for love
only to have what is left of my shattered heart returned to me.
"Poor girl, your such a fool"
I think now that I will never love again
Since love is too cruel and people seem incapable of it.
It's so huge
It pulls at me like a malnourished child
"I am so needy
fill me, fill me, fill me.
I am so unhappy
I am so alone
fill me, fill me, fill me
fill me, fill me, fill me"
I am sated but never satsfied
I am still unhappy
I am still alone.
It is never enough
It is never good enough for me.
when life seems hard
She wears the battle scars of loneliness after 20+ years of a marriage that ended in failure
She lives in a three bedroom house
with two angel-faced beauties whose feet pitter-patter
as they follow her around the house
I say I am digging deep
but the tears keep comming
and sometimes it seems as if the pain is more than I can bear.
Simple prayers echo off silent lips.
Questions seem to hold no real answers.
A heartwenching cry for help.
And even in my apparent weakness,
I find strength in a new day.
Promises for peace, love, wisdom and hope
flutterby on yellow wings
or coat the air with their honey-glazed song.
And when I feel the void opening up beneath me
I find comfort in the space between word and thought,
pen and paper
and beautiful teachings from Bon Masters, Native Americans, Christians, Buddhists
and regular souls just like me
and then there are the kind, supportive words of family and friends
that are as dissappointed as I am
that life has a habit of hitting you where it hurts the most.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
to be consumed by the flame of your intention
so that all the layers upon layers upon layers
of all that is not
can fall away and leave me
How I long for the promise of salvation
the simple heaven of being and breathing
the beauty of divinity that beats within me
I am yours
and yet I am imprisoned
I do not remember what it is like to be free
what it is like to gaze upon the loveliness of your face
and feel finally like I am home
drifted so far that I can no longer recognise the sound of your voice
no longer feel the music in your heart
no longer dance to the drum of your desires
the kind that made us one?
Saturday, August 2, 2008
From the 1985 Oscar winning movie "Out of Africa"
"Your work is to discover your work and then, with all your heart, to give yourself to it"
"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams"
"When you come to the edge of all the light you have, and you must take a step into the darkness of the unknown, believe that one of two things will happen. Either there will be something for you to stand on- or you will be taught how to fly."
Patrick Overton, educator, poet and playwright
Saturday, July 26, 2008
New people in my life,
Pathways of the past suddenly illuminated to give me encouragement for the future
I watch delighted
Joy again ignites my heart as the colour of hope bounces playfully past
And all the promises of the Universe suddenly unfold into my lap
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
How many lies will we hold on to for the sake of shielding ourselves, protecting ourselves from what we think is the unavoidable. What happens? Who do we become when we let go?
Why is it so hard to take responsibility?
Why is it so hard to let go?
Monday, July 21, 2008
that happiness will spring like a seed of joy from your womb
infecting everything you see, smell, hear, taste and touch.
I pray that your eyes may see the beauty that surrounds you
That your heart may be opened to soft spoken words, warm hands and all things done in the name of love for and because of who you are
I pray that you will hold onto hope long enough for it to prove to you
That you are never alone
I pray that your faith is strong enough to carry you through all that seems at first glance lost, unbearable and unforgiveable
I pray that one day you will come to understand that we are all children of God struggling through the dark to remember again what is laughter, what is peace, what is freedom, what is
I pray that the reality of the truth will lighten your step and lighten your heart always
With thoughts of love
Monday, July 7, 2008
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Sunday, April 13, 2008
What a strange thing.
Strip all of these labels away from me, all the stereotypes and structures that I have allowed myself to be boxed into and Who Am I?
Who am I?
And if I find and define myself within all of these labels and structures, then without them I am nothing at all.
Am I nothing at all?
Thursday, April 10, 2008
~ Nani Ma
"When you see Him in all. Everywhere, whatever you see, you see Him. Nothing but Him. Means nothing but divine. That stage is called enlightenment. You see the divine in everyone. And you see His will everywhere . . . When you are not enlightened you become the victim of dualities, light and dark, good and bad, love and hatred . . . A person who becomes enlightened becomes a free soul. Nothing can bind him then. Things are there, but nothing can bind him."
~ H.H. Pujya Swami Chidanand Saraswatiji Maharaj
"The child that you are, learn to realize that your relationship with God is not dual. In His dynasty, the regime is love. He is the only one as you are the only one. He is inside you, lives with you. Admit this and accept this."
~ Devaraha Hans Baba
"I eat when I feel hunger. I sleep when I feel to sleep. An unhappy happening makes me weep too. When occasion demands, I laugh aloud and freely.At the time of silence, I go into deep silence.Whatever I do, I do it as a worship to and of God."
~ Prem Avadhoot Bapuji
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
am a hopeless romantic
love making new friends
love making people feel good about themselves
don't really like looking at myself in the mirror, or in pictures
often feel misundersood
cry when someone else is hurting
believe that anything is possible...
Now you try.
Friday, March 14, 2008
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Bone dry and bleached out by the harsh unrelenting sun
The song of the sea would not soothe it
The kiss of the wind would not caress it
It was simply alone
Drifting in the middle of here and nowhere
Watching the earth spin by
Weariness had seeped into it's bones
A cold, damp chill
Though the day grew warm and still
It's weary heart could no be filled
Dragged by the shore's tide
Stretched out beneath the sun
It drank in the roaring ocean
and rolled about on the bejewelled land
Weeping and sighing in ecstasy as the belly of the sand
Rose and fell beneath Her touch
Something inside stirred
Unfolding slowly beneath the cloudless sky
(A long awaited encounter with the Divine?)
So why did I leave?
How can I re-connect again? How can I feel alive again? How can I get back to me?
It's like I have to rediscover myself, celebrate my talents, abilities, gifts and accept the parts of me that need to change and grow. Such a simple formula right?
Then why does it seem so hard?
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
February 29th was the end of an era for me, it was my last day at my previous place of work and the beginning of my journey into the unknown. In the short amount of time that I have been at home I find myself questioning and doubting myself as an individual, my talents, my gifts, my motivation. Reading and researching tirelessly for one thing- the solution. I find myself returning to one thought, if only I could find the kind of job in which I can utilise my talents and impact people's lives. One that supports my need to live a balanced, better quality life... then I would not be so restless, then I would find some peace, then I could focus my energy and start digging into life.
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Sunday, January 20, 2008
As I go older the idea of being an entertainer never really left me, I still kept begging my mother for dance lessons, and by the time I was 10 years old I finally got my wish. Before that I had the idea of becomming a mad scientist like Einstein- I don't know where that came from. And I was busy proving to everyone that I was a tom boy while I poked frogs, played with Barbie dolls and made up imaginary games where I usually played a hero like Peter Pan come to rescue sweet Wendy from Captain Hook.
By the time I was 11yrs. I had grown out of imaginary games, boys were swooning into the picture and I could not share with my friends the things I had to face at home. So i began to write- stories, poetry, letters. Dancing and writing became my expression of all I could not say or simply didn't know how to say. I used to sing out loud too and with a lot of gusto but after being laughed at in a talent show, I refused to sing in public again. But that was ok, if I could not be Janet Jackson, at least I could be her back up dancer.
My parents in the meantime had high hopes for me. I was argumentative, I never thought I was wrong and I had a smart mouth so they thought I'd make a perfect lawyer. I'd go to school, get my education, be successful, independent, have a high paying job and live a meaningful, comfortable life. What some people don't know about me is that I live up to my birth sign in the sense that I really am two fish swimming in opposite directions. I was rebellious but I was a people pleaser. I wanted to maintain whatever semblence of peace I could in the home, so I did as asked, I studied hard, I respected myself and I even did law at BCC but I hated it and I didn't fit in.
I started to dread going to dance class. My haven turned into a nightmare once I went into my senior jazz class. It was the first time in my dance career that I felt untalented, unmotivated and unnattractive. I simply didn't love it anymore. Nothing I did was good enough, no matter how hard I tried, no matter how hard I practiced, I was relegated to a position at the back of the group. I was heartbroken and disillusioned. I started skipping classes and eventually I left. Dance just didn't provide that release anymore. So it was time for a change- I was going to heal the world.
I could be a writer, but what kind of living could I make with an English degree. I was good at Spanish so I would maintain that, it is always good to have a second language and dancing- if I could get myself back into the groove again- could always be pursued on the side as a hobby. I could not make a living doing that either, especially if I was not that good. Not if I was going to be sucessful, independent and financially set- at least I would be making a difference in the world.
These were the kind of thoughts that were running through my head. I wanted the kind of life my parents wanted for me. I also secretly wanted to be happily married, and have a job that I absolutely loved- whatever that was. I would be good at it, one of the best and I would only marry if I found someone who would not demand that I fit into the mould of who they thought I should be. But someone I could be me around, someone who would love me for me, push me to live my dream- he would have to be my soulmate. I refused to settle, and i was true to my word. I did not want to repeat the mistakes of my parents. That's when I met Nigel.
to the length of my strands, to the breadth of my smile
To the stride of my gait, to the span of my arms, to the depth of my bosom
to the curve of my hips, to the glow of my skin...
My black is beautiful
It cannot be denied. It will not be contained.
And only I will define it.
For when I look in my mirror, my very soul cries out,
My black is beautiful
And so today, I speak it out loud, unabashedly I declare it anew.
My black is beauiful.
Whether celebrated, immitated, exploited or denigrated
Whether natural from inside or skilfully applied
My black is beauiful.
To my daughters, my sisters, my neices, my cousins, my colleaugues and my friends,
I speak for us all when I say again,
My black is Beautiful.
By: Saundra Heath